Mystery Furry Theatre: Sabrina's Christmas Magic
BRAD: Long time, long time. I'm here with my robot pals Raven --
RAVEN: All I want for Christmas is to decide who lives and who dies.
BRAD: And Waldo --
WALDO: How do you giftwrap schadenfreude?
BRAD: And we're about to take on a story from Sabrina's Christmas Magic, "Animal Crackers!"
RAVEN: With Captain Spaulding?
WALDO: Groucho or Sid Haig?
SABRINA: Have you ever wondered how Christmas is celebrated in the Animal Kingdom?
WALDO: Aren't most animals pagans?
RAVEN: Bunnies worship the sun. I read it in Watership Down.
SABRINA: Hold your hats! We're going to visit some special friends!
BRAD: That's nice, visiting the challenged for the holidays.
ARCHIE: What's the matter, Jughead? You look sad.
RAVEN: So the funny-animal Archie is a lion.
BRAD: Less Animal Kingdom, more Magic Kingdom.
JUGHEAD: I've got good reason to be sad, Archie! Look where my POUCH is located!
WALDO: Isn't it female kangaroos who have the pouches?
RAVEN: He's a kangaroo? I thought he was the Purple Snit's kid brother!
BRAD: Jughead points to a pelican…
JUGHEAD: I wish I had a pouch in my mouth where it would do my some good! You know how I like to eat!
WALDO: That pelican is a lot more realistic than the Archie characters.
RAVEN: And where is this, anyway? Lions are from Africa, kangaroos are from Australia, pelicans are mostly North American.
BRAD: So this'll never make Animal Planet.
ARCHIE: Well, the pouch you've got is perfect for carrying our Christmas presents!
JUGHEAD: Aw, Christmas phooey! I don't feel like celebrating!
ARCHIE: I know what you need, Jug!
RAVEN: Three and a half hours of Christmas Specials.
ARCHIE: Two coconut floats, Pop!
POP TATE: Okay, Arch!
BRAD: And Pop Tate is an elephant.
WALDO: Many small businessmen vote Republican.
RAVEN: Bamboo walls is one thing, but giant toadstools for sitting?
POP TATE: Send down two coconuts, Dilton!
BRAD: And Dilton -- an owl with glasses and hair gel -- drops two coconuts.
RAVEN: Right on Pop's head.
WALDO: Some elephant. Knocked senseless by coconuts?
MOOSE: D-uh -- are you guys going to the Christmas party at school?
ARCHIE: As soon as we finish our sodas, Moose!
BRAD: Hey, I didn't realize this story was that old. Moose is still saying "D-uh."
RAVEN: And why is he an ape? Shouldn't he be a moose?
ARCHIE: Okay, Moose! We'll go now!
MOOSE: I'm glad I can follow you -- D-uh -- I forgot the way to school!
REGGIE: C'mon, you slow pokes! I'll race you to the party!
JUGHEAD: That Reggie is such a show-off!
RAVEN: And tigers come from India or China.
BRAD: So Reggie should talk like Apu? Or Joe Jitsu?
WALDO: Please God no.
REGGIE: Morning, Mr. Weatherbee!
MR. WEATHERBEE: Good morning, boys!
RAVEN: So if Weatherbee's a walrus, does that make Miss Grundy the Carpenter?
WALDO: She's as skinny as Karen.
MR. WEATHERBEE: We'll start the party as soon as Ronnie arrives!
JUGHEAD: Why do we have to wait for Ronnie?
MR. WEATHERBEE: Because her father owns the jungle!
BRAD: Oh, I guess-- HUH?
DILTON: Here's Ronnie now!
BRAD: Ronnie steps out of a tortoise-limousine, with lemurs as chauffeur and footman.
RAVEN: Why is she holding a fandancer's fan behind her?
BRAD: She's supposed to be a peacock.
WALDO: Isn't the girl a peahen?
RAVEN: So Jughead is really a girl and Ronnie is really a boy.
BRAD: That explains a lot about Archie.
MR. WEATHERBEE: All right, students! We can begin! Big Ethel is in charge of the games for our Christmas party!
BRAD: A bucktoothed giraffe.
BIG ETHEL: (Giggle) Our first game (giggle) is called "Mistletoe Madness"!
RAVEN: Well, that cleared the room -- uh, clearing.
RONNIE: I feel sorry for Big Ethel! She has to depend on mistletoe to get a kiss! I just flutter my tail and all the boys become little tigers!
BRAD: And now we're thinking about Veronica's tail. Wholesome kiddie fare.
RAVEN: Look, never mind the gender confusion and the weird geography -- why should a lion and a tiger go nuts over a bird? It's not like anything could happen!
BRAD: Funny animal comics are all about diversity.
BIG ETHEL: Boys, please! Give me a chance to show you how much fun "Mistletow Madness" can be!
RAVEN: Boy, I wish giraffes were really silent.
DILTON: This whole party is madness!
WALDO: This is a party?
DILTON: It's almost Christmas and all we're doing is playing games!
MR. WEATHERBEE: But, Dilton, we ALWAYS play games at Christmas!
RAVEN: Don't look so shocked about it…
BRAD: We have an ad for a "10-Way Hairpiece" (Only $1!) and "20 Almost-Rare Stamps from 12 Lost Nations!" (Save them NOW while they last!) And now the story resumes.
ARCHIE: That's right! Christmas is sort of a make-believe time!
WALDO: Not to most retailers…
DILTON: We've MADE Christmas a make-believe time, but it shouldn't be! Christmas should have real meaning for us!
BRAD: Cue the Harman-Ising production of "Peace On Earth"…
DILTON: Do you remember what it was like before Christmas came into the world? We were living in a jungle! Fighting all the time!
RAVEN: Well, we took it day by day…
REGGIE: It used to be the survival of the fittest!
DILTON: But the miracle of Christmas changed all that!
WALDO: Yeah, everyone knows Christians never fight!
DILTON: Because of Christmas we learned real love and respect for each other!
REGGIE: It doesn't matter if we have spots or stripes!
ARCHIE: And our color doesn't count, either!
WALDO: Aren't most of them colorblind?
DILTON: If Christmas can do so much for us, we should do more for Christmas than just play games with it!
RAVEN: Shouldn't Betty give the closing sermon?
BRAD: She should, but in this story she was a cricket, and owls and crickets, well…
ARCHIE: I get it Dilt! If we don't live by the spirit of Christmas, we'll live by the spirit of the jungle!
BRAD: And now a tableau of all the characters, hearts aloft, with some slightly more realistic versions of the ones Isaiah names:
NARRATOR: As the prophet Isaiah wrote may years ago: "The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf with the lion!"
BRAD: Well, Archie always did appreciate a good calf.
RAVEN: It's the Peaceable Kingdom!
WALDO: It's a piece o'bull, all right!
BRAD: So this story was written and drawn by Al Hartley, who did all those Spire comics like "Archie's One Way" and "Barney Bear Wakes Up!"
WALDO: In essence creating the comic-book equivalent of Pilgrim's Progress.
RAVEN: He's like a gateway drug for Jack Chick.
BRAD: Be that as it may. It's time to wish everyone Best Wishes for the Holiday Season.
WALDO: Merry Christmas! And my gift registry is at Urban Outfitters!
RAVEN: Don't send me money, gift cards are more personal!
BRAD: And to all a Good Night.