Showing posts with label Metal Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Metal Men. Show all posts

Showcase #39 (2nd Metal Men)

SHOWCASE #39; May-June 1962; DC Comics; Robert Kanigher, editor (and 
writer); featuring the Metal Men vs. "The Nightmare Menace!"  On the cover  by
regular MM artists Ross Andru and Mike Esposito, the Metal Men begin their  long
tradition of fighting mostly other robots, as a giant green robot fires a  beam
at the MM which is melting them down.  Urged on by Platinum, Gold  stretches
out an arm to get the merely human Doc Magnus out of the path of the  deadly
beam. (Curiously, on this and other early Showcase-MM covers, Gold is  colored
lemon-yellow rather than the actual gold color he sports inside the  comic.) 
The blurb tells us, "Out of smoke and flame arises the most unique  band of
fighters-- METAL MEN-- to battle the NIGHTMARE MENACE!"  

Review by Bill Henley

It's one of the more famous "inside"  stories of the Silver Age....how some
other feature planned for SHOWCASE #38 in  1962 fell through, and within a few
days to meet the deadline veteran  writer/editor Robert Kanigher conceived a
quirky band of robotic heroes and in  collaboration with artists Andru and
Esposito rushed them into print.  And  how the last-minute creation struck a chord
with readers and did well enough to  win its own series which ran through the
rest of the Silver Age (and sporadic  revivals and guest shots since).  This
review however isn't of that very  first Metal Men story, but the second one,
after DC higher-ups apparently  decided the Metal Men had potential and gave
the OK for a full tryout run in  SHOWCASE.

The splash page is a recast version of the cover scene, again  with the
hostile robot melting down the Metal Men as Gold slings Doc to  safety.  Our story
begins with headlines referring to the previous SHOWCASE  adventure, "Metal
Men Save Country From Flaming Doom!" (the "doom" was a flying  manta-ray-shaped
monster) and a scene of a "spontaneous meeting" in which eager  crowds call
for the nation's newest heroes to appear publicly and receive  accolades for
their feats.  They don't realize, apparently, that the Metal  Men were even more
heroic than they know, for the robots sacrificed their  mechanical "lives" to
stop the monster menace.

Meanwhile, in an  unidentified "foreign country" (but one whose architecture
includes  Russian-style onion domes), a leader now frets, "The world now
believes we have  lost the race for supremacy to America's latest secret weapon--
the METAL  MEN!  We must destroy these super fighters in a way that will prove
to the  world that WE are invincible!"  And this task is assigned to Von
Vroon, an  ex-Nazi scientist recruited by the unidentified foreign foe.  (Unlike 
Marvel and other comics publishers, DC at this period was leery of explicitly 
identifying Russian Communists as villains.  Of course, while the fictional 
Von Vroon is a bad guy, the ex-Nazi scientists *we* recruited, like the 
real-life Wernher Von Braun, were good guys....)  "Until now-- we have kept  your
terror inventions a secret!", the foreign leader tells Von Vroon.   "The time
has come to unleash them!"  Von Vroon is eager for the  assignment; "I will go
to America and turn these Metal Men into  junk!"

But will there be any Metal Men to be turned into junk?  Not  if "Doc" Will
Magnus, the brilliant inventor who created them, has his  way.  When Colonel
Caspar, Doc's liaison with the military, arrives at  Doc's lab to relay the high
miltary brass's order that the Metal Men be  recreated, he finds Doc fondling
and polishing miniature models of the Metal  Men, particularly the
pseudo-female Platinum.  But as for rebuilding the  life-size versions, "No!  I'll never
assemble them again!  Only to go  through the torture of seeing them
sacrificed-- one by one!"  But when  Caspar reminds Doc that the MM are "only metal,"
not human, and that anyway  their assignment will only be to receive medals,
Doc accedes; "I--I guess I AM  behaving like a fool-- instead of a scientist!" 

Before long, a  whole new set of full-sized Metal Men stand in review for Doc
and Caspar.   But something is different from the previous versions.  When
told that they  are going to receive medals for their predecessors's heroism,
they have no  reaction other than saying in unison, "Thank you, sir!"  When Doc
tells her  that after the medal ceremony he will have to keep his original
promise to send  her to the Science Museum as an exhibit, an impassive Platinum
merely says,  "Yes, sir!"  Caspar notices the difference, commenting how when
the  previous Platinum was told she would be sent to the museum, she threw her
arms  around Doc and begged to stay with him.  "From Gold to Lead, each one of
them was different!  But these Metal Men seem all alike-- like  ROBOTS!" 
"That's what they are!", Doc points out.  Duh.  

The difference, though evident to Doc and Caspar-- "Maybe there was a 
deviation in the ORIGINAL band that made them act the way they did!"-- is not 
apparent to the cheering crowds that gather on the Washington Mall for the award 
ceremony (metals receiving medals).  But the sinister Von Vroon is hidden  in
the crowd and ready to activate a remote control to "make the Metal Men look 
like all-American flops!  HA! HA! HA!"  The ceremony is interrupted by  the
appearance of a giant, purple, clanking robot "crushing everything in its  path".
Doc orders Platinum to carry out her "specialty" against the giant  robot,
trapping it in a metal web.  But though she obediently says, "Yes,  sir!"  she
clumsily casts her net not around the foe but around Doc and the  other Metal
Men themselves.  Meanwhile, in the sky above, one of the jet  fighter pilots
forming an honor guards decides to attack the robot himself,  since "the Metal
Men seem to have gotten combat-fright or something!"  And  at the same time,
Doc orders Iron to brace Gold's feet as the ductile metal  stretches and
reaches out to seize the giant robot.  But missing the robot  entirely, Gold instead
collides with the diving jet fighter.  Doc next  orders Iron to shape Lead
into a cannonball to hurl at the robot, but the strong  metal applies so much
friction that Lead starts to melt.  And so, as the  crowds flee in panic and the
giant robot continues its rampage, Von Vroon gloats  that he has accomplished
his mission of disgracing the Metal Men and humiliating  America before the
world.

Will the Metal Men somehow redeem  themselves?  Before finding out in Part 2,
we have house ads for SEA DEVILS  (another Kanigher-created feature) and a
SUPERBOY issue featuring "The  Super-Mischief of Superbaby!"  Then there are two
educational pages of  "Metal Facts and Fancies!', drawn by Andru and
Esposito,   Back at the  scene of the catastrophe, more jet fighters try to repair the
failure of the  Metal Men by downing the giant robot, but it shoots a green
beam out of its head  that disables the jets and forces the pilots to
crash-land.  Victorious,  the robot vanishes out of reach by drilling itself into the
ground.   Meanwhile, cheers have turned to jeers for the hapless Metal Men, and
the  military orders Doc Magnus, "Get them out of here before the crowd melts
them  down into pennies!"  The crowd doesn't get the chance, for as he
returns to  his vast lab complex, Doc himself dumps his failed robots from his 
flying-saucer-like jet flyer straght into a giant smelter.  But does this  mean
Doc has given up on the Metal Men for good?  No, for he and Col.  Caspar muse
that perhaps some unknown, accidental factor gave the original Metal  Men their
unique personalities-- and success in battle.  Looking up his  notes on the
original creation of the MM, Doc finds that at the same time he  molded them,
"intense aurora borealis activity" occurred.  He concludes  that the radiation
must have had "a mysterious effect on their metallic  structure"-- and that,
therefore, the "real" Metal Men might "live" again if the  metallic shards left
when they were destroyed battling the Flaming Doom can be  gathered up. 
Caspar is skeptical , suggesting such a recreation is  impossible, but a
now-enthusiastic Doc responds, "Impossible?  So was a  MATCH!  A RADIO!  A CAR!  A
PLANE!"  Setting out on their  quixotic mission, Doc and Caspar find the twisted
form of Tin still lying where  he fell (apparently the street cleaners around
here aren't very  efficient).  The other Metal Men lie inert at the bottom of
the sea and are  recovered from there by Doc and Caspar in scuba gear (maybe
they should have  called on the Sea Devils for help). 

And so, once more Doc sets to  work turning metal junk into functioning
robots.  But as the new/old Metal  Men stand ready , Caspar worries; "They look
exactly like their  IMITATIONS!  How do you know they won't be as USELESS?"  "I
won't know  until I ACTIVATE them!  All I have to do is press their
atomic-powered  starter button-- but-- I-- I'm almost afraid to--!"  While Doc hesitates,
we have a "Magic With Metals" text page and an ad in which Superman invites 
readers to attend the King Bros. Sells & Gray Circus at the Palisades 
Amusement Park in New Jersey.  But then, as Part 3 of "The Nightmare  Menace!"
opens, Doc plucks up his courage and one by one, flicks each robot's on  switch and
finds each one reacting to being reborn in characteristic  fashion.  Humble
Tin begs, "I know I'm not as strong as other metals, but  if you'll only give
me another chance!", and is reassured, "You've got nerves of  steel, Tin and
that's what counts!" Iron says, "Don't mention steel in my  presence!  Steel's
still wearing diapers compared to me!"  Boastful  Mercury insists, "I may not
be the oldest, but I'm the most unusual!" because of  being liquid at room
temperature.  (I don't think it ever was adequately  explained how Mercury managed
to function at all as a humanoid-shaped robot  without melting down into a
blob even when not being attacked by heat rays and  such..) Though not quick on
the uptake, Lead recalls that he "has a gimmick"  too-- protecting against
atomic radiation.  Gold boasts of his monetary  value-- "Only kings could afford
shields made out of me!"  (He doesn't  mention that a shield made out of
heavy, soft gold probably wouldn't be of much  use in actual battle.)  As for
Platinum, her first words are, "I hope  you've forgotten about sending me to the
Science Museum!" (if he had, she's just  reminded him).  When Doc points out
that he made a promise,  "Tina"  hugs her inventor and urges him to tell museum
officials that "you can't part  with me-- like so many other artists who fell
in love with their own  creations!"  Doc's affectionate response is, "I always
knew your reactor  system had bugs in it!!  I'll have to work them out later!"
 

But though the reborn Metal Men clearly have their unique personalities 
back, it remains to be seen whether they can redeem in battle the failures of 
their earlier replacements.  "It is our task to find that robot of terror--  and
turn defeat into victory!  No matter how many of us perish in the  attempt!" 
stalwart Gold speaks for the group.  Meanwhile, the U.S.  prepares to hold a
World's Fair spotlighting "American ingenuity" creating the  "world of
tomorrow".  Hiding with his giant robot in a cave, Dr. Von Vroom  sees the fair as an
obvious opportunity to humiliate America yet again.   But Doc and the Metal
Men also arrive at the scene of the fair, deducing that it  will be the robot's
next target.  As the MM move through the crowds, they  are jeered as
"super-flops", and emotional, egotistical Mercury gets steamed  up.  But Doc warns that
he will be sent back to the lab if he can't control  himself until the Metal
Men get their chance to redeem themselves.  As Doc  and the MM pass by, Von
Vroom, mingling in the crowd, trying to avoid being  recognized as a Nazi war
criminal before carrying out his plan, jumps on a  merry-go-round to escape
notice, but falls victim to a personal weakness,  becoming dizzy and nearly
fainting due to the whirling motion. (I can empathize,  Doc-- my wife who loves
amusement parks is always dragging me along to them  though I can't stand the
rides.  Though a mere merry-go-round I can manage  to tolerate.)  Noticing a lost
child crying for her mommy, the  feminine-looking Tina reassures her and Tin
does handstands to amuse her.   The child's mother is grateful when she catches
up, but hr husband is still  scornful; "They're supposed to be super heroes--
not super NURSEMAIDS!"   Another minor crisis is resolved when a couple are
trapped atop a stalled  amusement park ride, and Gold stretches upward to form
a ladder for them to  reach the ground.  But still much of the crowd is
unimpressed; "They're  supposed to be super heroes-- not super ACROBATS!" 

Meanwhile, Von  Vroom has recovered from his attack of vertigo and is ready
to reactivate his  robot, which drills up from the ground to invade the
fairgrounds.  The  crowd is reassured, not by the presence of the Metal Men, but by
jet fighters  which attack the robot (never mind that the fighters didn't do
any better than  the MM earlier).  The robot's green beam partially melts the
planes,  sending them hurtling toward the ground.  But, anchored by Iron,
Platinum  this time unerringly forms a giant net to catch the planes and lower them
safely  to the ground.  As the robot continues its rampage, Doc directs the
Metal  Men to split into teams;  Iron and Lead join forces, Mercury insists on 
operating alone, and Tina is also insistent on staying with Doc himself,
leaving  Gold and Tin as an oddly assorted team.  And those two are the first to 
encounter the giant robot.  Gold stretches upward to attack the robot, with 
Tin trying to serve Iron's usual role as anchor on the ground.   Predictably,
the lightweight Tin fails, causing both robots to flip upward off  the ground. 
But the failure turns into an unexpected success as their  momentum hurls Gold
and Tin into the giant robot's head and knocking it to the  ground. 
"Everyone will be fighting to have you on his team!", Gold  reassures Tin.  But the
victory is short-lived, as the felled robot opens  up to reveal a slightly
smaller robot hidden inside, which rises and continues  its rampage.  Next
encountering the solo Mercury, the enemy robot becomes  articulate, warning the liquid
metal "Out of my way, you walking junkpile!   I'll boil you into soup!"  But
Mercury dodges the robot's heat beam as he  taunts the foe, and as a beam
strikes in back of Mercury he utilizes the energy  to expand and strike the
robot's vulnerable head.  Once again the robot  falls, but a smaller one emerges
Chinese-box fashion from inside.  Meeting  it, Iron and Lead try the same trick
their earlier versions failed at, with Iron  molding Lead into a cannonball. 
This time Iron holds his strength in check  enough to keep Lead solid, and Lead
makes a heavy impact on the robot's  body.  But yet again, as it falls,
another robot appears from inside  it. 

As the robot teams reunite with Doc and Tina and compare  notes, the latest
robot appears and targets them directly with its heat  beam.  "Once you're out
of the way-- you'll invent no more defenses!", the  robot's voice tells Doc. 
But, enacting the cover/splash scene, Gold lifts  Doc out of the direct path
of the beam.  As the Metal Men melt into  helplessness, a new robot just
life-size emerges and chases Doc through the  fairgrounds.  Fortuitously, however,
Doc and the robot both fall through a  chute onto one of the fair's spinning
rides, and the robot suddenly becomes  helpless.  The reason becomes evident as
the last robot opens up and the  vertigo-prone Von Vroom himself emerges from
it.  Doc subdues Von Vroom and  recognizes him as "the Nazi scientist missing
since the war!  The  authorities will be glad to see you!  You have many
crimes to answer  for!"  Returning to the half-melted Metal Men, Doc announces that
their  mission is accomplished (even though, technically speaking, the Metal
Men  themselves failed again to stop the robot) and that he will return them
to the  lab to be rebuilt again.  That accomplished, Gold announces, "Doc--
we're  ready for our next mission!"  But Tina chucks Doc under the skin and says,
"Give the poor man a chance to rest!  After all, he's only human!"   "And so
ends the second adventure of the astonishing Metal Men!"  It wasn't  the
last, of course-- the Metal Men appeared in two more issues of SHOWCASE and  then
went on to a 41-issue Silver Age run in their own title.  (Another 
curiosity-- the Metal Men's debut in SHOWCASE #37 does not seem to have been  their only
"fill-in" appearance in that title.  At the end of SHOWCASE #39,  an editor's
blurb announces that "this is the last trial issue of METAL MEN!" as  the
robots and their creator wait for word from their readers whether they shall 
return in their own title.  But then the MM appeared yet again as the  feature in
SHOWCASE &40.  Looks like once again, something else planned for  that issue
of SHOWCASE fell through and Kanigher, Andru and Esposito were called  on to
fill the gap with another MM issue.  Or was it that DC brass decided  they
needed one more tryout appearance to make sure if the MM could support  their own
title?) 

Metal Men #36: Cruel Clowns, Part 3

BRAD: And now-- finally-- we're getting down to cases. The Cruel Clowns have shown up the Metal Men and are about to show their true colors.
RAVEN: They already are, that's the point.
BRAD: Anyhoo, part III of The Cruel Clowns.
NARRATOR: Like a miniature cloudburst, the strange ray transfixes the startled Metal Men...
CLOWN: So! You want to be clowns! To make people laugh!
WALDO: Don't you know? All the world wants to laugh.
NARRATOR: The ray wreaks its fantastic powers upon the powerless robots...
CLOWN: Ha--ha--ha--ha! I'll make your wish come true! in a way you've never dreamed!
NARRATOR: A massive hand closes upon the stunned Metal men...
IRON: We've been turned into miniatures of ourselves!
TINA: We're no bigger than marbles!
RAVEN: Hey, Heroclix are hot!
NARRATOR: The huge sinister eyes of the cruel clown stare ruthlessly at the transformed robots as...
CLOWN: I'll give you a circus to perform in! For the rest of your lives!
TIN: For a robot-- that's f-f-forever!
WALDO: Not if you ask Mike Carlin.
IRON: This miniature circus is our prison!
NARRATOR: The horrendous hand snaps shut the lid of the crystal ball circus and drops it into a cavernous pocket...
TIN: Where is he t-taking us?
NARRATOR: Inside the pocket, black as pitch...
RAVEN: Artist's Timesaver &3.
GOLD?: We're in motion!
IRON?: Where are we heading for now?
TINA?: We've no choice but to wait-- and see!
MERCURY?: The suspense is shocking my computer!
NARRATOR: Time passes slow as a shadow... swifter than thought...
BRAD: Crippled as your syntax.
NARRATOR: And the cruel clowns emerge onto their mysterious planet...
WALDO: Planet? Hey, you mean they're aliens?
RAVEN: That makes them Killer Klowns from Outer--
BRAD: Ah, we've haven't seen them kill anybody.
RAVEN: Oh.
CLOWN: Our raid on Earth was successful! Now-- to your abodes! And a screaming time with your prisoners!
BRAD: Prisoners? But we don't see any other prisoners besides the Metal Men.
WALDO: Just as well. I'd hate to depend on these guys for a rescue.
CLOWN: I'm laughing already! Ho--ho--ho--!
CLOWN 2: You can say that again! He-- he-- he--!
CLOWN: On our clown planet-- earthlings are comic figures! That's why you have been raided! Now-- you will perform! Make us laugh! Until our gloomy planet shakes with laughter!
NARRATOR: The titanic clown-captor's words fall heavily upon the startled and amazed Metal men...
CLOWN: You heard me! perform! Do Tricks!
TIN: He thinks we're r-real clowns!
RAVEN: He hasn't read your last few issues.
GOLD: We couldn't make REAL people laugh! Now we have to make this creature laugh-- our lives depend on it!
WALDO: So does he represent the audience, or just the editor?
CLOWN: Stop whispering amongst yourselves! You can't escape! You're here for all eternity! now make me laugh, clowns, laugh!
WALDO: Even though our hearts are breaking?
CLOWN: Do you want to be destroyed now? Make with the yaks! Give me a bellyful! Living ain't living without laughter!
BRAD: His anger rises and his diction lowers.
IRON: That clown means it! 
TINA: It's laughter-- or our lives!
LEAD: I haven't got a laugh in me!
RAVEN: Gawd, I wish Pauly Shore and Carrot Top were in that globe!
NARRATOR: Just then, a gigantic clowness appears...
CLOWNESS: I want THAT one! For my very own!
TIN: H-H-Hey, wait!
WALDO: Some people just naturally pick the runt of the litter...
TIN: I'm j-j-just Tin... you can't m-m-mean me! I'm the l-l-least worthy of the Metal Men! Take a s-second look at me!
CLOWNESS: My second look is even better than the first! You're the only one I want! You're real cute!
WALDO: Poor little Pirouette, HERE'S your Perot!
RAVEN: Sad really.
CLOWNESS: I'm going to make you my own little puppet! You're going to make only ME laugh! At my own abode!
RAVEN: Now that's the kind of clown that keeps BIG boys from falling asleep at night!
TIN: Perform? I f-f-feel more like crying! Somebody, HELP M-M-ME!
BRAD: Bad case of performance anxiety.
NARRATOR: As the giant clowness steps away with the plaintive Tin, Lead discovers...
LEAD: Look! A "human cannon"!
TINA: It's just what we need to blast our way out of this devil circus!
IRON: C'mon gang!
NARRATOR: Lead transforms himself into a cannonball and...
LEAD: Ram me in, good and tight, Iron!
RAVEN: Huh-huh... Huh-huh...
IRON: Okay, Lead! Take a deep breath!
LEAD: I'm all set! Fire away!
NARRATOR: The "human cannon" is fired with an explosive roar...
CANNON: BOOM!
WALDO: So Thunders The Cannoneer!
NARRATOR: Upwards Lead hurtles, and with all his rugged force...
LEAD: I've got to ram out of here! Ughhhnnn---
GLOBE: CRASH!
LEAD: Lead made it on the first try!
BR&W: Huh?
MERCURY: He's our only chance! We've got to keep on firing-- until we break through!
WALDO: Didn't he just do that?
MERCURY: Ohh-- if only my globules were as tough as my will-- I'd smash us through!
BRAD: Instead, your globules are as slippery as the storyline.
NARRATOR: The cruel Clown snarls at the antics of the Metal Men...
CLOWN: Very funny! Keep scrambling! I feel a yak coming on!
RAVEN: Leave your personal life out of this.
IRON: That big lummox thinks we're doing this for laughs!
LEAD: Stuff me in again while he thinks this is all part of our act!
GOLD: Ready for firing, Lead?
TINA: Don't be so formal, Iron!
RAVEN: Iron? Are they blind, or did nobody edit this?
LEAD: Fire away!
NARRATOR: AgAin the patient lead cannonball is fired... with Titanic force Lead rockets into the unwary giant...
BRAD: You know, if John Carpenter got a royalty each time Kanigher used the word "Titanic," he'd double his personnal fortune...
LEAD: This'll make you die laughing-- I hope!
CLOWN'S CHIN: WAM!
RAVEN: And the lead ball is as big as the clown's head.
BRAD: So?
RAVEN: Just sayin' is all.
NARRATOR: Desperately, the Metal Men scramble out of their comic prison and...
TINA: Tow the cannon with us! It's our only chance of rescuing poor Tin!
IRON: Heave Ho, men!
MERCURY: I don't mind heaving but let's leave out the ho's! I don't feel like laughing!
WALDO: I hear ya.
IRON: There's that giant lady clown again! Carrying Tin around with her on the end of a string!
RAVEN: Like she's walking an ant...
LEAD: This is my cue to get inside that cannon again!
IRON: You'd better make a hit the first time, Lead-- before they gang up on us-- and smash us into metal junk!
LEAD: I'm loaded!
BRAD: (MMmmf) So was editorial...?
NARRATOR: Again the robot-armed cannon roars...
CANNON: BROOOM
LEAD: Here I go! Watch the show!
RAVEN: When Polly's in trouble I am not slow!
NARRATOR: Like a flying sledgehammer Lead hurtles into the cruel giantess and...
RAVEN: Right between the pompons!
NARRATOR: With the titanic creature toppled...
TIN: G-G-Gosh, Tina! Thanks for f-f-freeing me!
TINA: We're not free yet-- as long as we're on this planet!
IRON: Heave the cannon back toward the spaceship! Looks like it's going to be our only chance of getting back to Earth!
BRAD: Oh, c'mon, a little bitty cannon like that can't hit Earth!
GOLD: Here come the rest of the giants!
TIN: And they're n-n-not laughing!
LEAD: Here's where I go into my act! Ready, Iron?
IRON: I'm ready, Lead! What's your gimmick, this time?
LEAD: I'm going to separate myself into a cluster of cannonballs!
WALDO: Can he DO that?
BRAD: I guess. Tina once spun herself into six go-go dancers.
RAVEN: Let's do that issue next!
LEAD: I'm off to the wild blue yonder!
IRON: Never mind the yonder! Get those giants-- before they pulverize us!
NARRATOR: Like automatic cannon fire, Lead plummets into the onrushing giants like a metal cloudburst, and...
CLOWN HEADS: KLUNNGGG! KLUNNNNG! BRANNNG!
LEAD: They're down and out! Listening to a concert of canaries!
RAVEN: Well, don't get a swelled head-- oh, too late...
IRON: C'mon, aboard the spaceship-- before they start to applaud us with those demolition ball-size fists!
NARRATOR: With a rocket-like roar the spaceship zooms away from the cruel planet...
BRAD: Only rocket LIKE? What is it, a biplane?
NARRATOR: Inside the hurtling spaceship...
MERCURY: We sure have to stretch to reach these controls! Ha-- Ha-- Ha!
RAVEN: Like that's tough for you guys.
IRON: Something else is reaching us! And it isn't funny! Look! A meteor shower is heading our way! It can riddle us like a sponge!
BRAD: Insert Frank Gorshin reference here.
LEAD: What'll we do?
GOLD: There's no place to go!
NARRATOR: The doughty Lead hurries to an exit hatch...
LEAD: We've got to have a missile-curtain! And I'M the only metal aboard that can do it!
BRAD: Actually, isn't platinum denser than lead?
WALDO: Yeah, but she's a gurl! And dey got cooties!
NARRATOR: Lead ventures into space, where...
LEAD: Ooops! I won't be able to provide much of a shield! I forgot how reduced in size I am! Just like all the rest of the gang!
NARRATOR: But, to Lead's amazement...
LEAD: I'm growing! I'm growing back to my normal size! And then some!
RAVEN: I thought Lead wasn't affected by radiation.
BRAD: Hey, we've only got a page and a half left -- don't make trouble.
NARRATOR: As Lead's cosmically comic face appears...
MERCURY: Look at Lead! He's not only back to normal size! But he's become a giant!
WALDO: You think the cosmic rays did it?
BRAD: I'd say there's a Red Ghost of a chance.
NARRATOR: Outside, in mysterious space, the Metal Men scramble toward the meteor shower...
IRON: C'mon, everyone! Take a bath!
TINA: Anything to get out of this mouse size!
MERCURY: M-Me, too!
RAVEN: I'm not saying anything... it's a coloring screwup, but I'm not saying anything...
LEAD: Hurry! No telling how long this will last!
WALDO: About as long as dea ex machina usually run.
MERCURY (really!): Watch yourself, Lead! Don't step on us!
LEAD: I'll be careful!
TIN: How d-d-do I look?
IRON: Like yourself! Only more so!
MERCURY: I can feel my globules expanding!
BRAD: Keep it to yourself!
TINA: Imagine being life-size again!
LEAD: You're pretty any size!
RAVEN: Lead's a little heavy-handed with the compliments...
LEAD: The cosmic shower's over!
TINA: I feel like I've been in a beauty shop!
TIN: But it d-d-did its work!
IRON: An iron foundry's more like it for me!
BRAD: Alternating responses, just like a chat room.
NARRATOR: The spaceship hurtles on under the command of Gold, until...
MERCURY: Well, there's Earth!
IRON: The planet that doesn't w-w-want us any more!
BRAD: ... Let's just assume he's making fun of Tin.
LEAD: There must be SOMETHING we can do to make the people like us the way they used to!
TIN: But WHAT?
TINA: I wish I knew!
MERCURY: We'd better find it! You can't go on living-- without being loved!
NARRATOR: What is the answer to the Metal Men's dilemma? Will they keep their cool-- or be in hot water again? The next issue must provide the answer! Unless YOU can come up with one, readers!
RAVEN: Well, lessee, we'll make Doc a robot too, only for a nonexistent metal, and, and, we'll say the Metal Men were based on humans all this time, and we'll kill off Gold, and--
BRAD: Raven, you're babbling! Tossing stuff out without rhyme or reason!
RAVEN: No, DC actually did all the things I mentioned!
BRAD:... I know, I'm just in denial. So that's the Hunted Metal Men. We've got ads for the Superman-Batman and Aquaman cartoon shows; a text piece on the Alan Scott Green Lantern; and the letters page, with nobody famous on it.
RAVEN: Hey Brad, reset my responsometer.
BRAD: (Runs from room screaming)
WALDO: I'll reset yours if you'll reset mine.
RAVEN: ...Okay.

Metal Men #36: Cruel Clowns, Part 2

BRAD: Back with Part II of the Metal Men in, "The Cruel Clowns." Really, there's not much to recap. The Metal Men still have their klutz-o-meters turned wayyy up and their Q rating wayyy down.
NARRATOR: As the harassed Metal band wanders sadly through the city streets...
WALDO: Hot town, summer in the city.
COP CAR: CRAAAACK-- POW POW POW ratatatat!
GOLD: The police are chasing gunmen!
RAVEN: Clears THAT up...
LEAD: We've got to help them-- before the hoods hit innocent passerby!
WALDO: Did Roussos and Sekowsky even USE a model sheet?
LEAD: I'll put up a lead wall in front of the gunmen-- that'll crumple up their car like a folded piece of pizza!
BRAD: Speaking of street pizza--
COP CAR: CRAASSH!
LEAD: Uh-oh! I goofed! I missed the gangster car! They were too fast for me! And who dya think I rammed instead? Don't tell me! Let me guess!
BRAD: The Metal Men used to be goofy and colorful, but competent. Now they're dreary and bumbling.
RAVEN: And yet sales didn't improve.
COP 1: What do you expect? It's those blasted robots!
COP 2: They're sabotagin' the department-- that's what they're doin'!
LEAD: Y-you've got the picture wrong, officers....
COP 1: The only time we'll get the "picture" right again-- is to erase it-- with you robots in it!
COP 2: Wait'll we get that "shoot on sight" order against you in effect again!
BRAD: Yeah, everyone knows bullets can stop the Metal Men!
NARRATOR: Lonelier than ever, the Metal Men stumble dejectedly away...
IRON: Never thought we'd make the people blow their cool about us like that!
GOLD: Our luck's running out! Everything we try boomerangs against us!
LEAD: We're oddballs, all right!
WALDO: Shouldn't subtext be BELOW the surface?
TINA: That's it! That's the answer! We're oddballs-- and we're forgetting it!
BRAD: Oddballs, eh? Did you ever show up in Scott Shaw!'s column?
TINA: Don't you get the message? In a society of humans-- WE'RE freaks! But we're not putting on a show for them! Making them laugh! Forget their troubles!
WALDO: C'mon, get happy!
TINA: We're too serious! We've got to put on funny faces! Make with the yaks!
RAVEN: First they're balling in a snow globe and now they're getting romantic with Tibetan cattle. These robots have some kinks in their wiring.
IRON: Tina's right! She's struck the nerve! Her deduction sounded the right chord! What we put on to win the people over to our side again-- is a circus! With us as the clowns!
TIN: It's a n-n-natural!
NARRATOR: The next day, the town is plastered with gay signs...
BRAD: Well, no, they're not gay. In any sense.
SIGNS: COME ONE! COME ALL! GIANT METAL MEN CIRCUS! FREE! FREE!
RAVEN: And worth it!
LEAD: This way to the METAL MEN CIRCUS, folks! It's all free! Bring your friends! Bring your kids! The show's for one and all! We guarantee to make you split!
RAVEN: Like, I'm already splittin', daddy-o!
BRAD: Get back here.
LEAD: Hurry inside! Huree-- hureee-- hureee--!
RAVEN: All right, Lead's head has outgrown his neck and is now encroaching on his shoulders! He looks like the world's biggest dwarf!
NARRATOR: But, inside, though the Metal Men turn themselves inside out, and overheat their transistors with the big try, they reap a crop of catcalls!
CROWD: BOOO! BOOO! CALL THAT FUNNY! PHOOEY! YEKHH! UGH!
BRAD: I'm sorry, this is the taping for "Good Morning Miami."
RAVEN: Why didn't the Metal Men get the same guy who wrote their successful shows?
BRAD: They did! This story was done by Robert Kanigher!
TIN: We've fl-fl-flopped again!
MERCURY: Looks like our first performance is also our last!
GOLD: We'll need the calvary to yank us out of THIS spot!
NARRATOR: Suddenly, a tittering torrent...
RAVEN: It's Ronald McDonald's family reunion!
NARRATOR: At the sight of the cruel antics the mysterious clowns perform upon each other, the laughter of the enthralled audience knows no bounds-- to the amusement of the baffled Metal Men...
WALDO: They look more baffled than amused.
BRAD: Those clowns are getting laughs without big trying.
CROWD: HAHAHA! WOW! HOHOHO! GREAT!
NARRATOR: At the end of the sensational show...
LEAD: You saved our skins! And our show!
MERCURY: Listen to 'em! Exiting laughing!
TIN: On behalf of the Metal M-M-M-- ohhh-- thanks!
NARRATOR: Overcome by curiosity unbecoming a robot, Tin nevertheless reaches out...
TIN: Th-th-the secret must be in those marvelous masks you have on! If we can only borrow them-- we would be able to make the people laugh, too!
RAVEN: Robots in clown face? Mommy, I'm scared!
TIN: Mind if I borrow yours--?
BR&W: HONK!
NARRATOR: Tin's responsometer is rattled by amazement when...
TIN: That m-m-mask isn't a mask! It-it's real! It's y-y-your real face-- not a mask at all! And that m-m-makeup isn't just makeup! It's really y-y-you! This is your real f-f-face! You're a real clown! That's how y-you were born! All of you! As clowns!
WALDO: Tin's who *I* would choose for a soliloquy, for sure!
NARRATOR: The strange clown's face becomes even crueler, as...
CLOWN: So you've uncovered my secret! But-- it won't do you any good! Not after I beam you into silence!
BRAD: I don't suppose that gun's going to shoot out a flag saying, "BANG"?
WALDO: Story continues on the third page following.
BRAD: We have an ad for Matchbox models, MSR 55 cents...
RAVEN: A full-page ad for "Leave It To Binky," with Bob Oksner art...
BRAD: And a full page of "Flash Facts," left over from Barry Allen's mag. Check out the one at the bottom. Waldo, if you please?
WALDO: Delighted. (ahem) The first FLASH BULB was developed in Germany, in 1928. Prior to that time, FLASH POWDER (powdery magnesium) was used to take photographs when lighting conditions were bad...
RAVEN: Check out the photographer! A dead ringer for a certain web slinger!
BRAD: Comics were so much more educational when they threw out these snippets without any context. Back after this.

Metal Men #36: Cruel Clowns, Part 1

BRAD: Haven't had much of a chance to do one of these, what with the new job and all, but it's been weighing on my mind. After Bill's review of issue #33, I thought I'd rerun this episode. Enjoy!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BRAD: Once again we open the ol' mylar and dredge up a four-color fracas. This time it's Metal Men #36, one of the Sekowsky issues. This was when they were the NEW *Hunted* Metal Men.
RAVEN: The theory being, if they were hunted, *someone* would want them.
BRAD: So join my robot buddies Raven and Waldo as we follow the Metal Men in... "The Cruel Clowns"!
TIN: I'm not b-budgin'!
IRON: Stand firm!
MERCURY: I'm not uncorking myself!
TINA: Fight!
LEAD: Never surrender!
BRAD: C'mon guys, your oil's not gonna change itself!
GOLD: Speaking for the Metal Men-- you can scramble our wires-- and tear our transistors out-- but you'll never make us perform like a bunch of crazy clowns in an empty circus! No matter who you are! Or what powers you have! Hear me! Show yourself!
RAVEN: If they tear our their transistors this will be a short circus.
BRAD: UGH!
NARRATOR: In awesome answer a huge hand flips the entire circus over-- as if it were a mere toy in a crystal globe!
TIN: W-w-we sure got a rise out of h-h-him, didn't we?
TINA: If we make him kick up a big enough storm-- we might be able to escape!
WALDO: Stuck in  a snow globe! And they say the Metal Men were losers!
NARRATOR: The gigantic face of an infinitely cruel clown reveals itself in titanic rage...
BRAD: We can't GIVE away those Krusty Burgers!
CLOWN: On MY planet-- where *I* reign-- YOU are my playthings! And your sole job is to make me laugh! Or end up as discarded junk! Now-- make me laugh! Or die!
BRAD: Sooo-- this isn't how DC sees its audience, now is it? 
WALDO: They should be called the Metaphor Men.
NARRATOR: As the whale-size eyes of the enormous clown glare at the tumbling Metal Men...
TINA: What can we do to make this callous creature laugh?
MERCURY: Tickle him with a third rail!
BRAD: See, this joke won't play in all parts of the country because it's a subway reference.
RAVEN: And you prefer Quizno's?
NARRATOR; Like mechanical flapjacks, the Metal Men are flipped through the air inside their circus prison...
LEAD: Maybe this "flying" act will please the big oaf!
MERCURY: And while he's laughing himself blind-- maybe we'll be able to break out of this pinball machine?
WALDO: If you can laugh yourself blind, this comic is Lasik surgery!
TINA: I'm tired of denting the roof with my head!
RAVEN: Too bad this is before "glass ceiling" became notorious.
GOLD: Maybe that's the only way out of here! Butting our heads together-- and balling our way out!
BRAD: WHAT!
RAVEN: Oh, you pottymouths!
WALDO: How many Metal Men does it take to scr--
BRAD: Watch it!
NARRATOR: Again the cruel clown thunders his sinister command...
BRAD: Bring me the head of Sideshow Bob!
CLOWN: You do not amuse me! Perform-- or perish!
GOLD: Just think... a couple of days ago we weren't being treated like mechanical mice! Remember...?
WALDO: There will come the soft rains?
NARRATOR: The Metal Men's thoughts reel back to the time they stood before the bed of their inventor, Doc Magnus, in a special chamber at Military Intelligence, together with his brother, Col. Magnus...
BRAD: Run on, you wild and crazy sentence!
COL. MAGNUS: Doc's still unconscious!
RAVEN: Why's Lead got a swelled head?
COL. MAGNUS: But I know my brother! He'll fight his way out of this coma-- that he was tumbled into by a cerebral hemorrhage! He's got to! He's the only one in the world who can adjust your responsometers! So you won't be running out of control all the time! Alarming the people! Turning them against you!
BRAD: Colonel Magnus delivers some Major Exposition.
TINA: W-we don't care what happens to us... as long as poor Doc gets well... Ohh Doc... if you would only open your eyes again--
MERCURY: Cool it, Tina!
WALDO: You're getting the glass all foggy!
NARRATOR: The Metal Men exited to the hostile stares of passerby...
RAVEN: They're hated and hunted, as soon as they step outside their front door.
PASSERBY 1: Can't trust these robots any more!
PASSERBY 2: Never know when they'll flip-- now!
GOLD: We've got to watch our step!
MERCURY: Show our good sides only-- so the people will change their minds about us!
WALDO: Of course, changing their minds means they'd start buying the book.
NARRATOR: In a nearby park...
MERCURY: Look! A kid's wrestling with the wind-- to hang onto his kite!
RAVEN: Stay away from that kite-eating tree!
GOLD: Here's our chance to perform a good deed!
IRON: Don't worry, kid! Ole IRON-HEAD'll help you! Leave the muscle work to me!
STRING: *SNAP*
IRON: Oops-- sorry-- guess I exerted too much muscle-- I snapped your string!
NARRATOR: Tina, the platinum robot, unwinds like a glittering spool...
KITE: *CRUNCH*
TINA: Ohhh-- guess I was too eager!
RAVEN: I used to dream about an eager Tina, but now--
KID: Look what you did!
TINA: I know, kid-- I know! But I'm sorry-- honest!
BRAD: They're threats to National Security! They killed a kite!
NARRATOR: As an angry crowd gathers...
KID: Ma--! Look what they did to my nice new kite! I didn't ask them to play with me! They just pushed their way in!
MOTHER: I know, honey! That's just the way robots are! Unmanageable! Can't trust them! Naturally destructive!
BRAD: Sounds fair  to me.
RAVEN: HEY!
BYSTANDER 1: Beat it!
BYSTANDER 2: Don't come back!
BYSTANDER 3: You're a menace!
BYSTANDER 4: You should be destroyed!
BRAD:Is there a spin doctor in the house?
TINA: I know r-robots aren't supposed to cry...
TIN: Who's c-c-cryin'?
BRAD: And on that lachrymose note we close the first part of this adventure. What follows is an ad for Revell's Moon Walk model.
WALDO: America's space program is rapidly closing in on the big adventure:
RAVEN: Funding!
WALDO: The walk on the moon! And you can follow it, step-by-step, with Revell's new American Space Program Collector's Set.
BRAD: Just like the Space Program, it's all in pieces.
WALDO: You can build authentic models of the three big events in space... the orbit, the space walk and the moon walk.
RAVEN: Who's bad?
WALDO: The Gemini Spacecraft model includes details like a complete instrument panel. The space-walking Astronaut model is realistic down to moveable face visor. The Apollo model is almost as unbelievable as the program itself.
BRAD: These days the program isn't just unbelievable, it's mythical.
WALDO: There are five detachable, detailed sections. The Revell Space Program Collector's Set sells for under $11.00.
RAVEN: Which is still less than the Astronauts in Trouble trade.
BRAD: Back after this. 

Metal Men #8, "Playground of Terror!"

METAL MEN #8; June-July 1964; DC Comics (National Periodical Publications);
Robert Kanigher, editor and writer; featuring the Metal Men in the "Playground
of Terror!", a book-length story by Kanigher and artists Ross Andru and Mike
Esposito. On the cover by A and E, the Metal Men and a friend are riding a
roller coaster which really lives up to the names, which some amusement parks
give to their thrill rides, such as "Monster" and "Villain". This coaster has a
malevolent face in front and has extruded claws to seize and hold the Metal
Men. While Tina (Platinum) in the front seat tries to fend off the claws, her
companion, a little human boy, urges her, "TINA!-- Don't stay because I'M
blind-- save yourself!"

Review by Bill Henley

Since the Metal Men have come up for some discussion on ths list lately
(inspired by my query about the merits, if any, of the new DC Metal Men miniseries)
I decided to review one of their "classic" tales. On the splash page, not
only the roller coaster but a whole amusement park full of rides is attacking
the Metal Men, as Iron comments, "It's as if they're ALIVE!" (Odd that a Metal
Man, of all people, er, robots, would be surprised at the idea of mechanical
devices coming to "life".) Again Tina is trying to protect the little blind
boy, and again he protests, "Don't sacrifice yourself for me-- just because I'm
BLIND!"

(This raises an interesting question for science fiction fans. Do Isaac
Asimov's famous Three Laws of Robotics apply to the Metal Men? If so, then Tina
would have no choice but to protect the boy, since the First Law reads, "A
robot shall not harm a human being nor by inaction allow a human being to come to
harm". On the other hand, the Second Law, "A robot shall obey a human being,"
obviously does not apply to the MM, since they (especially Tina) disobey Doc
Magnus and other humans preety much whenever they feel like it. So probably
the Metal Men's "defective responsometers" do not have the Three Laws built
in-- perhaps this is what makes them "defective"-- and Tina protects the boy just
because she wants to.)

As the story begins, a despondent little boy sits on a front stoop as other
kids run laughing past him, eager to get good seats for an exciting event-- a
show for kids put on by the famous Metal Men. When the other kids urge little
Timmy to come along, and see the Metal Men, he demurs; "What's the good of
going-- I CAN'T see!" If he could, though, he would soon see the Metal Men even
without going to the show, since they happen to come skimming along his
street, in their jet platform, on their way to the show. Tina notices the one
little boy about to miss their show and wants to invite him to attend, but Doc
Magnus is in too much of a hurry to stop. "You're a great scientist, Doc, but you
have no heart!" "Stop talking as if YOU'RE the human-- and I'm the robot!"
To avoid delaying the other Metal Men, Tina spins herself backward in wire
form while still linked to the moving jet platform, and urges the boy to come
along. But hearing only a well-meaning female voice, Timmy turns her down;
"Leave me alone, lady! I--just-don't--feel-like--going,that's all!" Crushed, Tina
returns to the jet, apologizing, "Sorry...I...I didn't mean to..to force
you...to see the Metal Men...!" As tears fall from his sightless eyes, Timmy
mutters to himself, "I'd give anything to SEE the Metal Men--but I'll never be
able to SEE! Never--never-- NEVER!"

Meanwhile, the Metal Men put on their show for the kids who can see. Mercury
stretches and shrinks under the influence of the hall's erratic air
conditioning. The next act calls for Iron to catch a shower of Gold coins into which
the noble metals transforms himself, but Tin tries to crab the act by catching
the coins himself. Instead Tin is crushed under Gold's weight, but the kids
laugh and cheer, taking Tin for the clown act of the Metal Men. Next, Iron
shapes Lead into a horseshoe and hruls him at Doc to make a "ringer". Good thing
Iron has good aim, or Doc would be squashed flat.

But in Part 2, when it comes Platinum's turn to perform for the crowd, she is
still haunted by the one little boy who "didn't want" to see the Metal Men.
"I'm going back to keep that lonely little boy company!" Finding him still
sitting on his stoop, Tina tells Timmy, "If YOU won't go see the Metal Men--
then THEY'll come to see YOU!" But when Timmy replies, "I couldn't see them!"
Tina at last realizes he is blind. But now Timmy "sees" Platinum in his own
way, as he reaches out to touch her metallic face and feels tears on it.
"There's only ONE metal in the world that can CRY! You must be TINA-- the PLATINUM
robot!" Now happy at last, Timmy asks if he can "see" the other Metal Men by
touch as well. Tina is heartbroken, or responsometer-broken, to have to tell
him that only she is there-- until she turns around to find that the other
Metal Men, and Doc, have indeed followed her to find out what's going on. "You
all heard our young friend, Metal Men! Let him 'see' you!" As each Metal Man
greets Timmy, he gives a clue to enable to boy to guess which metal he is;
"You'll find ME in tooth fillings!" "GOLD!" "I--I'm used in cans-- guess who
I--I am?" "TIN!" "If you want to know how hot or cold you are-- just ask me!"
"MERCURY!" "I'm---uhh-non-conductor! A shield!" "LEAD! "That's a REAL
muscle!" "IRON!"

Finally hearing all the commotion involving her son, Timmy's mother comes out
and explains that a cure for his blindness has been delcared hopeless, at
least until "new dhemical compounds are discovered!" But at least heis now
realizing another hopeless ambition, as he has idolized the Metal Men and dreamed
of meeting and visiting them. With his mother's permission (which she probably
wouldn't grant if she had any idea how much trouble her son would get into)
Timmy goes off to spend a whole day with the Metal Men. But then, the
irrepressible Tina makes a rash promise; Doc will cure Timmy's blindness. Timmy's
brief hopes are dashed as Doc explains, "I can't do anything the doctors can't!"
But Tina is insistent that Doc try to find the "new chemical compounds" that
might help Timmy. She tries to persuade Doc with a kiss, but he complains
that it "tastes like being smacked by a cold, wet platinum bracelet!"
Nonetheless, Doc agrees to go to his lab and search for a cure while the Metal Men take
Timmy on his tour of their lab and headquarters. Having heard about the Metal
Men's visits to other worlds in their giant rocket, Timmy asks if he can
visit the rocket and "maybe touch the controls". The Metal Men offer him more
than that; touch the launch button, and, after a "short flight", despite his
blindness, Timmy will return to Earth as "the first boy astronaut in history!"

After a house ad for issues of JLA and HAWKMAN, we have two pages of "Metal
Facts and Fancies!" After humorous descriptions of the real-life uses of
various metals, we see a line of rejected robots at a stage door, being told,
"Sorry! We haven't discovered any parts for ACTINIUM, AMERICIUM, BERKELIUM,
CALIFORNIUM, FARANCIUM, NEPTUNIAM, PROTACTINIUM, RUBIBIUM, and RUTHENIUM! But
we'll keep trying!" (Did they? Some of these names sound vaguely familiar, as
if I'd heard of them being used for something during the 40-some years since
this page first appeared.)

Meanwile, back in Part 3 of "Playground of Terror!", Doc is entirely unaware
of his robot babysitters' excursion into space as he labors in vain in his
lab. He finds no chemical known on Earth can cure Timmy's blindness; "It's
hopeless-- HOPELESS!" (Seems like it might be more within Doc's specialty to try
to create some sort of bionic eyes for Timmy.) Things aren't going so well
for the Metal Men and Timmy either, as their supposedly short space flight is
extended by a "vast cosmic turbulence that's pulling us away from Earth!" As
the rocket flips end over end, only Tina forming into a safety net prevents the
other Metal Men from tumbling into the fragile Timmy. Finally, the Metal Men
find themselves "out of the cosmic storm" but "far from our own galaxy!"
(Funny how Kanigher can be a stickler for scientific minutiae involving metals,
but so cavalier about the size and scale of a galaxy or the unlikelihood of
traveling millions of light-years in a few minutes of time.) Trying to turn a
lemon into lemonade, Tina suggests that "boy astronaut" Timmy become the first
boy to land on an unknown planet. Curiously, when they approach this planet, it
contains some rather familiar Earthlike artifacts-- rides resembling those
found in an Earth amusement park. You'd think Timmy's excitement potential
would have blown a fuse by now, but he's enthralled by the thought of visiting an
alien amusement park, since due to his blindness he's never been allowed into
the crowds and commotion of an Earthly amusement park.

Gold cautiously lands the rocket some distance from the "park" "in case we're
met by any threats!" He's noticed that the planet seems entirely deserted of
any life or any habitation other than the "amusement park". (So you're going
to be careful with the rocket, but you're taking the little boy with you
right into this potential threat? Right, Gold.) As they walk toward the "park",
Tina notices Timmy is counting, and he explains he is counting steps and
keeping track of turns, blind people's means of keeping their bearings in a strange
environment (and presumably he's never been in a stranger one than this).
When they reach the rides, Timmy is disappointed to find no controls to make the
rides go. But he and the Metal Men take seats in the roller coaster anyway,
and Timmy muses, "I guess-- all I can do is WISH-- that this ride can GO--!"
(Be careful what you wish for, kid....) When the roller coaster starts
moving, the Metal Men deduce the ride must have its own "responsometer" to act on
its own. But these responsometers are apparently even more defective than those
of the Metal Men, as the ride seizes and traps the Metal Men with claws.
"Now you know what happened to the people who lived here! The robot rides they
built must have turned on them!" (Didn't this planet have any safety
regulations for amusement rides? And were the inhabitants such thrill-ride fanatics
that tey lined up to ride even after the rides started killing people?)

Before Part 4, we have the "Metal Scraps" lettercol on which letters are
answered by the Metal Men themselves. One reader, Leo Steiner of Detroit, asks
for advice in dealing with a friend who won't read the Metal Men because he
thinks they're "boring" (naybe he was a Marvel fan). Iron's suggestion is, "Tell
him to have his responsometer checked! It must be rusty!" A femmefan, Connie
Graff of Titusville, PA, wants Doc Magnus to create a whole new team of Metal
Women, but Platinum wants none of this idea; "I already have enough trouble
getting Doc to notice ME! Why should I ask for a whole flock of robot girls
surrounding him?" (Despite Tina's wishes, a later issue, MM #32, did feature
the creation of a band of Metal Women, though they proved short-lived.)

Back at the extraterrestirial Coney Island in Part 4, the Metal Men struggle
to escape the clutches of the monster roller coaster. Gold escapes in the
form of a shower of gold coins (though how he manages to function while
separating himself into separate pieces, only God and Doc know). Mercury separates
into globules to ooze away, and mighty Iron pulls apart the claws holding Lead
long enough for Lead to escape. Tin tries to perform the same service for Iron
himself, and succeeds, though the humble bends and buckles in the process.
And Tina spins free, carrying Timmy with her, though he urges her to escape on
her own and not sacrifice herself for him. Back on the ground, the Metal Men
and friend find they are not out of danger, for the coaster is not the only
amusement park attraction to run amuck. A spinning "rocket ride" hurls its
rockets like missiles at them on the ground. Iron and Lead transform in turn into
ground-to-air missiles to halt the attack. A Ferris wheel rumbles forward to
crush the robot visitors (resembling the giant War Wheel of Blackhawk infamy)
but despite his skepticism that the ploy will work, Mercury follows Gold's
directins to spin himself through the center of the wheel and spin it off into
space. Heading back for their rocket, the Metal Men pass a giant "photo booth"
which suddenly goes off in a gigantic flash-- and now, all the Metal Men are
just as blind as their young human charge! Not to mention, a sinister
rumbling indicates all the evil amusement park rides have uprooted themwleves and are
pursuing the fugitives. Now their only hope is the "helpless" Timmy, who has
memorized the route and number of steps back to the rocket. Will they make
it, and launch away from the planet, before the rides get them? Back on Earth,
will Doc find a cure in his lab for Timmy's blindness? And if and when the
Metal Men get back there, will they be up on charges for reckless child
endangerment? You can probably guess the answers, but if not, you'll have to (a)
look up the next issue in your own collection, (b) pick up the new METAL MEN
Showcase book, which includes this issue and the next one (though I'm reviewing it
based on the original issue) or (c) wait for me to get around to reviewing
the next issue.

Metal Men #9, "Robot Juggernaut!"

METAL MEN #9; Aug-Sept. 1964; DC Comics (National Periodical Publications;

Robert Kanigher, eidtor and writer; featuring the Metal Men and a guest
character of indeterminate name in "The Robot Juggernaut!", written by Kanigher and
drawn by Ross Andru and Mike Esposito, the second part of a two-part serial
that began last issue with "Playground of Terror!" In that issue (which I
reviewed last week) the Metal Men met a young blind boy named Timmy. A brief journey
into space for the robots and the "first boy astronaut" went awry as the
MM's rocket was drawn off course into deep space, to a planet where the only sign
of civilization is a robot-controlled amusement park that runs amuck and
tries to destroy its metal and flesh visitors (That's no way to get repeat
business...) On the cover of this issue, all the Metal Men except one are caught and
being squeezed into flat sheets of metal bya giant robot composed entirely of
rollers. Platnimum (Tina) desperately hands off a young human boy to the
only free Metal Man, while Gold exhorts, "TIN! You're the only one of us left to
save Billy!" (Billy?) With his usual confidence, Tin exclaims, ""M-M-ME?
B-b-but I'm only T-TIN!"

Review by Bill Henley

On the splash page, the rolling and pressing process seen on the cover has
gone farther, as the Metal Men have been shaped into flat, round coinlike shapes
and are about to be dropped in that form into a snelter. Never-say-die Lead
insists, "We're not uhh-- melted yet, Mercury!" but the normally stalwart
Iron asks, "How close can you get, Lead?" And Tina, closest to being plunged in
the smelter, says, "Farewll--! Ron!"
(Who's Ron? Some boyfriend of Tina's she's been two-timing Doc Magnus with?
A pet name for Iron? Or maybe the letterer just left out an "I".)

When we left the Metal Men last issue, they were trying to reach their space
rocket, pursued by crazed amusement park rides, with a blind boy named Timmy
in tow, and handicapped by a giant camera flash that rendered them all as
blind as Timmy. (I've always hated amusement park rides myself, except for the
most sedate like the Ferris wheel, and refuse to ride them when my wife, who
loves amusement parks, drags me to one. Is this due to some subliminal childhood
memory of this story? Especially since the kid got *my* name in this part of
the story? Probably not; I just don't find much entertainment value in being
turned upside down and throwing up.) Only Timmy's skills at retracing his
steps in the permanent dark allowed the robots to find their way back to the
rocket. But now they've lost Timmy somewhere (maybe the rides got him) and somehow
picked up another kid, one who is also blind and looks a lot like Timmy, but
this kid's name is Billy. (All right, all right, it's the same kid, but
apparently editor/writer Kanigher forgot his name in between issues. As I
suggested in another post, perhaps this is an occupational hazarrd of writer/editors
like Kanigher and Stan Lee with his famous "Bob Banner" fluff that led him to
declare that the Hulk's full legal name is "Robert Bruce Banner".) Anyway,
Timmy, or Billy, or Timothy William, or whoever, has led the Metal Men to the
rocket successfully despite an episode of panic by Mercury. But their troubles
aren't over, as the robot rides are hanging on to the rocket, and the Metal Men
are still blind. Billy is again their only hope, as the robots urge him to
launch the rocket by touch. Mercury predicts doom for them all, but Tin, who
has more faith in others than himself, insists, "A person c-can do anything--
if p-people BELIEVE in him! WE b-b-believe in you, Billy!" Tina talks Billy
through the launch procedure and we have liftoff, but with the evil rides
still hanging on outside, until atmospheric friction on the ride up through the
atmosphere burns them off. Lead offers blind pilot Billy the ultimate accolade,
""The kid's as smart as uhh- a ROBOT!" (It depends which robot, Lead...to
say somebody is as smart as *you* isn't much of a compliment...) but Mercury,
ever the skeptic, reminds them that they're all still blind, Doc Magnus doesn't
know where they are (he's back on Earth in his lab and doesn't even realize
the robot babysitters have blasted off into space) and "We don't know WHERE
we've BEEN-- WHERE we ARE-- or WHERE we're GOING!" And meanwhile, back on Earth,
Doc Magnus knows where he is but feels lost anyway, as all his researches
have provded that "No known element on Earth will cure him (Timmy-Billy)!"
Unwilling to face the child with bad news, Doc plans to hide in his lab and not
face him until the Metal Men finish their babysitting stint and take Billy home.

Billy will be lucky to get home, with or without sight, as in Part 2 the
rocket is flipped end over end in the grip of a "cosmic storm of titanic force".
As Billy tries to concentrate on the controls, the Metal Men tumble around and
put dents in each other's fenders. Then the five-second warning for a crash
landing sounds and Billy is barely able to bring the ship to ground on yet
another unknown planet. As the ship comes to rest, the mostly malleable Metal
Men manage to resume their normal shapes-- except for Mercury, who has separated
into globules scattered all over the rocket floor. Serves you right for
being such a wet blanket, Merc. But meanwhile, yet another set of hostile alien
robots is eying the newcomers; "DEMON SPACE SENDS US A NEW SACRIFICE FOR OUR
GRAVEYARD! RRRNGGG!" (It occurs to me that if Kanigher had wanted to make this
story marginally more plausible, he would have established that Billy flew
the rocket just far enough to get away from the mad amusement park and then
landed at another spot on the same planet inhabited only by crazed non-Asimovian
robots. But then, plot logic and plausibility was never Kanigher's strong
point in his Silver Age superhero yarns.) The Metal Men try with limited
success to gather Mercury's pieces together, while Merc makes critical comments;
(Tina: "Your VOICE BOX is certainly here!" Merc: "Why, you PLATNIUM DOLL--!
You haven't stopped gabbing since you came out of a test tube!" "Why don't
you crawl back into a thermometer where you belong, you MERCURY
JACK-IN-THE-BOX!" No thermometer handy, but the Metal Men are forced to the expedient of
carrying Mercury in budkets as they leave the ship, with Billy. At this point the
Metal Men find their sight returning, but they don't like what they see--
"robot juggernauts" marching menacingly toward the rocket. Leader Gold directs,
"Our best chance is to lead that metal mob away from the rocket-- then double
back after we've lost them!" (Hey, Gold, maybe leaving the rocket in the
first place wasn't one of your better executive decisions?) Tina forms a platinum
net, and, grabbing Billy and the other Metal Men in it, slithers along the
ground in flight. Mercury complains that some of his globules are being left
behind, but "What's the loss of a little liquid to Mercury! He can always steam
up some more! KEEP GOING!"

As the giant robots seize the rocket ship and their dialogue suggests they
intend to dismantle this "sacrifice from Demon Space" and consume it, the Metal
Men must decide whether to keep running, abandoning their only means of
reaching home, or to fight for their rocket. All vote to fight-- even Mercury,
whose first instinct would be to run if he still had legs to run with. Billy, who
gets a vote as an "honorary Metal Man," also votes to fight, but the real MM
refuse to allow him to particpate in the actual fight, and leave him behind
for safety as a chemical-tasting rain begings to fall. Then Billy shouts in
wonderment, as the chemical rain strikes his face and eyes, "I can see! I CAN
SEE! Wait for me!" (Hmmm. The story doesn't make clear if Billy was born
blind or not. If he was, the sudden gift of sight wouldn't do him much immediate
good, as people born blind who gain sight have to go through a long,
difficult process of learning to interpret what they see, and usually are more
helpless to start with, with sight than they were without it.) Gold deduces that the
rain ex machina contains the very "elements unknown on Earth" needed to cure
Billy's eyes. There is little time for celebrating, however, as the Metal Men
are attacked by a literal "junkyard dog", a robot dog made of junked parts.
Forming into a ball, Tin manages to roll the "dog" into position for Iron and
Lead to crush it between them, though then they have to press Tin himself back
into shape. Spotting where the "juggernauts" have taken their rocket, the
Metal Men prepare to fight; even Mercury manages to assemble himself into a
lopsided, misshapen but ambulatory form. But to no avail, as a "unique force"
magnetizes nearly all the robots and draws them to the lead giant robot's body
where they start to be crushed by the ginding rollers of which the robot is
formed, (Unique force indeed, if *all* the robots, not just Iron, are subject to
its magnetism.) Only Tin and Billy escape, as Tin forms a wheel and rolls
Billy out of immediate danger. Tin is determined to return and try to rescue
his fellow robots, however, and Billy insists on going with him. As they roll
up to face the foe, though, it seems they are too late. The Metal Men have
been formed into flat coin shapes and are dropped by the robots into a giant
smelter. As they start to dissolve, only one chance remains; aided by the heat
of the smelter, can the Metal Men "join forces" with each other as never
before? "Form an alloy! It's our only chance!", Gold urges. Mercury, complaining
as always, insists he's too special to form a mere alloy; he's supposed to
form an amalgam with a rare metal like silver. Lead disdains this exclusivity;
"This is-- whh- an emergency! Do like Gold says! Al--al--uhh--?" And the
normally easy-going Iron gripes, "Alloy, Lead-- ALLOY! How are you going to DO
it-- if you can't PRONOU CE it?"

Alloy they do, however-- even if the result is more like a mosaic or jigsaw
puzzle than the kind of complete dissolving together a metallurgist would
recognize as an alloy. The Metal Men (except Tin) emerge from the smelter as one
giant Metal Man, with a head of Gold, strong arms of Iron and Lead, legs of
gold and Mercury (which doesn't sound like it would provide very secure footing,
and Tna's head sprouting from one of the hips. Now as large as their robot
tormentors, the combined Metal Men are able to knock the "juggerrnauts" around,
reclaim their rocket, and take off into space.

(It's curious how two well-remembered Silver Age comics both had central
characters named Magnus and both closely involved robots. The approach taken by
Kanigher on METAL MEN and by Russ Manning and his scripters on Gold Key's
MAGNUS ROBOT FIGHTER was worlds apart, though. The Metal Men fought other robots
almost exclusively, but often, as in these two issues, the robots they fought
battled them out of sheer, unexplained mechanical perversity. and it was
unclear who had originally built the enemy robots or why. The ROBOT FIGHTER
series, on the other hand, actually put some serious science-fictional thought into
how humans would coexist with robots, and the robots Magnus fought always had
a clear reason for fighting him. Indeed, that Magnus rarely fought robots who
were rebelling against human authority all on their own; rather, usually,
Magnus battled human or alien villains who were using robots as their agents or
tools.)

Somehow, the Metal Men now know the course to take back to Earth, and Gold
promises Billy he will soon see his home world. Maybe not; "I'll NEVER see home!
I...I can't see again! I'm just like I was before-- BLIND!" Always ready
to see the dark side, Mercury is the one to deduce that the sight-restoring
properties of the alien chemical rain were only temporary. On the way back to
Earth, the rocket passes through a comet's tail, unable to steer out of the way.
To protect Billy from the cosmic radiation from the comet, the alloyed Metal
Man huddles around him and Tin forms an extra layer of protection. (Good
thing, or Billy might find himself with stretching ability, rocky skin and
super-strength, invisibility and the power to burst into flame-- all powers that
would be hard to handle while blind.)

As the robots and Billy arrive back on Earth and settle into their landing
bay, Doc Magnus finally emerges from his lab, having thought better of his
cowardly decision to hide from Billy so as not to have to confess failure. But as
Billy leaves the rocket, he greets the inventor, "HI, DOC!"-- and Doc realizes
that Billy can see him. It seems the comet-tail radiation, if it didn't give
Billy the powers of a certain fantastic foursome, at least proved to be a
permanent cure for his blindness. Doc is astounded to see the giant, "alloyed"
Metal Man emerge from the rocket. Though now bound to her teammates, Tina
remains irrepressible, as she extrudes metal arms to hug Doc. "I haven't changed
a bit!" "That's what I was afraid of!" The next issue led the Metal Men
into a new adventure in the course of their efforts to separate themselves into
their normal individual forms. I proably won't review that issue here, but you
can find it-- and these two issues I did review-- in the recently published
Showcase METAL MEN volume.