Lois Lane #38 Pt. 1: "The Invisible Lois Lane"

Lois Lane #38, January 1963

Cover: Kurt Schaffenberger, illustrating the issue's third story, "The Girl
Who Refused to Marry Superman!"—Superman sits in a wheelchair in his
hospital room, with a broken leg, broken arm and bandaged head, saying,
"Lois and Lana…a freak accident has taken away my super-powers and made me
an invalid! Now that I'll be an ordinary man for life, I'm sure neither of
you will want to marry me!" The two women have their faces covered by black
squares, and one is saying, "You'll never be ordinary to ME! You'll always
be YOU, the man I love! I'LL marry you!" while the other says, "I'll be
honest with you, SUPERMAN! Without your super-powers, I wouldn't dream of
marrying you!" The caption: "Featuring a modern "Lady or the Tiger" puzzle!
Can you guess who is…"The Girl Who Refused to Marry Superman!"

"The Invisible Lois Lane"
Script: ?, pencils: Curt Swan, inks: George Klein
In the splash panel, Clark Kent changes to Superman in the shadows alongside
a building, while an invisible Lois thinks, "WOW! At last I've got PROOF
that SUPERMAN and Clark Kent are one and the same person! After this
temporary invisibility wears off, I'm going to have some fun! For a long,
long time SUPERMAN's been laughing at me secretly, but…ha, ha, ha…now I'M
going to have the LAST LAUGH!"

As the story begins, eccentric Professor Potter is showing Lois his latest
batch of discoveries. When he points out a short-term invisibility serum,
Lois has an Olsenesque flash of inspiration and guzzles it down. "Oh, no!"
cries the professor, "You swallowed the serum! You're…fading from
view!!—Foolish girl! I started to tell you that any human drinking it will
suffer unpleasant side effects...such as strange hallucinations!" "It'll be
WORTH it!!" thinks Lois.

After nearly being hit by a van, Lois spots Clark Kent leaving the Daily
Planet building for lunch and follows him, hoping to catch him turning into
Superman. In a stroke of luck, a machine-gun-wielding man is running out of
a jewelry store with a satchel. "Moments later, in the alley…" the scene
foreshadowed by the splash panel takes place, with Clark peeling back his
shirt as see-through Lois thinks, "Great Scott! Clark took off his glasses
and now he's removing his outer garments, revealing a SUPERMAN costume
underneath! My hunch was right. Meek, mild, shy Clark is secretly dynamic
SUPERMAN!!"

Lois watches Superman make short work of the robber ("Gaaa! M-my
machine-gun bullets bounce right off your jaw!" yells the hood, obviously
new in town) and change back into Clark clothes. "Shall I tell him I'm wise
to his jealously-guarded secret?—No! Wait!" she muses, as she becomes
visible again. "SUPERMAN must have had loads of laughs pulling the wool
over my eyes all these years [well, yes…]…But here's where the worm turns!
Now I'M going to have some secret laughs at HIS expense!" She walks around
a corner to run into Clark, and they go to lunch together, a safe almost
landing on Clark as they walk down the sidewalk. When they get back to
work, Perry White asks Clark to count the bags of coins sent in by readers
as contributions to the Metropolis Orphans' Fund. Lois sabotages the
coin-counting machine and hangs around to help Clark count the coins by
hand, thereby preventing him from counting at super-speed. "Getting
impatient, SUPERMAN? Ha, ha! You must be sizzling!" she thinks, as Clark
says, "$487.56…$487.57…$487.67…" [It might be easier, Clark, if you
separated the coins by denomination first…]

The next evening Lois is waiting for Clark at an amusement park. She
watches the operator of the ol' hammer & bell strength-tester game and
thinks, "I get it! The owner is pressing a button, so a hidden, powerful
spring makes the ball shoot up so that his accomplice wins a prize…thus
attracting more business!—hm-mm…" When Clark arrives, she wheedles him into
trying it, and presses the button so that he rings the bell despite trying
to swing the hammer lightly—winning him the rating of "superman" and a
transistor radio, and flustering him further.

The day after that, "Lois and Clark visit a warehouse owned by a friend who
was robbed of furs." The friend says, "I'm closing, now. Take these keys
and lock up when you leave! I hope you find a clue to the identity of the
crooks who stole three mink coats from our fur vault!" Of course, when
Clark walks into the fur storage freezer Lois locks him in. "Awp!" he
thinks, nearly losing his composure. "An ordinary man would soon freeze to
death in here! I could force open the thick steel door easily…but doing so
would reveal the fact that I'm SUPERMAN! Wh-what'll I do??" Lois lets him
stew for a while, thinking, "If Clark bursts out, he'll expose himself as
SUPERMAN. And if he remains inside, with no ill effects from the zero
temperature, that'll unmask him, too! Ha, ha! He can't escape THIS little
trap!" When she finally opens the door, pretending that she's been looking
for him, he has wrapped himself in mink coats to justify not being dead.

The next day, Lois has come up with yet another sadistic little ruse [does
she ever actually write an article? For that matter, does Clark?
Presumably the Daily Planet comes out daily—is there any news in it?]—she
tells Clark that she's discovered that Perry White is Superman, and leads
him into Perry's office. While Perry dozes at his desk, Lois opens his
closet door and shows Clark a Superman costume, Superman masks, and padding
for making one appear fat. When Clark says he doesn't believe it, Lois
picks up a handgun from Perry's desk ("Ha! This toy weapon is filled with
BLANKS! It was used by the "Toy Gun Bandit" in a holdup! I painted the gun
with lead paint so Clark's x-ray vision won't be able to look inside and
discover the 'bullets' are harmless!") and points it at Perry. But before
Clark can confess to keep her from shooting, Perry wakes up. "Hey! Put
down that toy gun!" he says, grabbing it with one hand while the other holds
something up to one eye. As it turns out, Perry has a black eye from
bumping into a door; "I took some pills to ease the pain, and I guess they
made me fall asleep!" he explains. Lois is forced to admit that
black-eye-sporting, pain-pill-popping Perry can't be Superman, and she and
Clark leave the room in stony silence, Clark thinking, "I awakened Perry by
giving him a 'hot foot' with my HEAT VISION! I knew he had a black eye and
I figured that when Lois saw it, she would have to admit he couldn't
possibly be invulnerable!"

Later, Lois sees a story on the news wire and the following exchange takes
place:
L: This news bulletin says a ship's sinking at sea! Hundreds of lives may
be lost! Go save it, at once!
C: Me save the ship? What can I possibly do, Lois?
L: You know very well how you can save it! YOU'RE SUPERMAN, THE MAN OF
STEEL! Now stop pretending and take off!
C: Lois—what's got into you? I'm no more SUPERMAN than you are—JACQUELINE
KENNEDY!

Lois then grabs a pair of scissors and is shocked to find that Clark's hair
cuts easily; then she rips open his shirt and finds there is no costume
underneath. "Whatever gave you the wild idea that I, of all people, am
SUPERMAN?" asks Clark, as if this has never come up before. Lois sputters
and Clark leaves, "to take care of some personal business." Lois calls
Professor Potter, who assures her that when she saw Clark change into
Superman it was just a hallucination caused by the serum. Superman,
observing from above the clouds, reflects on the real explanation—it seems
that when Lois started acting strangely (or more so than usual) he deduced
that she had discovered his identity and was toying with him. So, naturally
he went looking for amnesia victims of his own size and build, and found one
at Metropolis Hospital, a test-pilot named Roy Wilkins who lost his memory
in a crash. Superman coerced him to agree to put on a mask and play Clark
Kent by promising to restore his memory afterwards, and meanwhile Superman
saved the sinking ship. Flashback over, he meets amnesiac Roy behind the
Daily Planet building and kills him so he can't talk. No, not really—he
picks him up and flies loops with him, causing Roy to remember everything up
until his accident ("After their memories return, " Superman thinks as he
flies away, "former amnesia victims can't recall what happened DURING their
period of amnesia!"). The story ends at a celebrity style show where Lois
is modeling, as she says to Clark, "To think I almost froze you to death in
that fur vault…! I promise never again to try and prove you're SUPERMAN!"

The story is followed by a one-page "Varsity Vic" by the ubiquitous Henry
Boltinoff.

Lois Lane # 38 Part 2: "Lois Lane's Signal Watch!"

"Lois Lane's Signal Watch!"
Script: ?, pencils & inks: Kurt Schaffenberger
"One day, at a criminal hideout in METROPOLIS…" a man who looks like a shady
barber is removing bandages from another man's face. "For Pete's sake,
Boss, that plastic surgery operation," says the subject patient as he eyes a
looking-glass mirror, "made me look like SUPERMAN! What's the big idea?"
"Relax, 'Muscles'! That's just who you're supposed to look like!" replies
the boss, the nattily-dressed, double-chinned Kimbo. Kimbo pays the
"doctor" the first installment of his fee, then begins tutoring Muscles:
"Right now I want you to study these pictures of SUPERMAN'S friends and
learn to recognize them on sight! I also want you to practice imitating his
voice from some records I have!" [Kimbo's collection includes all of
Superman's biggest hits.]

"Days later, in the office of the Daily Planet," Lois suddenly realizes that
it's been five years since racket king Bugs Gorcey vanished, which means it'
s time they opened the sealed letter he left for her. Perry, instantly
pulling out the letter, points out that the five years will actually be up
at 3 o'clock the day after tomorrow—apparently it's been on his mind. "I
once rushed Bugs to a hospital when a rival gang shot him! He said he'd
repay me some day! I wonder…" wonders Lois. Perry, who looks younger,
slimmer and more handsome when drawn by Schaffenberger than in the Swan
story, continues the exposition: "Rumors say that Gorcey had a
million-dollar smuggling deal cooking when he vanished! Maybe that letter
tells you where to locate the mysterious loot! Gorcey meant to repay you
with a scoop! But your life may be in danger if you learn the location of
that loot! Why not notify SUPERMAN?" Lois, as could be expected, replies
that Superman is on a mission in Kandor and that she wants to handle this
scoop of a lifetime on her own. They agree to open the envelope at 3PM on
the appointed day, right after Lois covers a ship arrival that morning.
However, a hidden microphone and radio inside a picture frame are
broadcasting this conversation to Kimbo, Muscles and the "Doctor," who is
enthusiastically twiddling knobs on a huge radio receiver. "I always
suspected Gorcey gave Lois Lane the location of his loot before he
disappeared! That's why I had the PLANET office wired!" explains Kimbo.
"All right, Muscles, try this costume on for size! In two days you're going
on your first mission—as SUPERMAN!"

"Two days later, on the METROPOLIS waterfront," Muscles-as-Superman
approaches Lois, explains that he just got back from Kandor, and presents
her with a signal watch like Jimmy's. "Ohhh, SUPERMAN! What a thrilling
gift!" gushes Lois, touched to finally be on a par with Jimmy in Superman's
heart. "Lois, my super-hearing detected your conversation with Perry about
Gorcey's hidden loot! Promise me you'll signal me if you get in a jam!"
explains Muscles. Lois agrees, thinking "CHOKE! I never realized how much
he worries about me!" Muscles dives off the pier into the water, saying
that he needs to help test the escape hatch on a new atomic submarine and
telling Lois not to mention the watch to anyone. "Goodbye, SUPERMAN, dear!"
Lois coos, thinking, "That watch shows how much he cares for me! Oh, joy!
Perhaps some day soon he'll be giving me a RING!" [Sorry, Lois, but it hasn'
t worked out that way for Jimmy—who, unlike you, doesn't have to keep his
watch a secret.] Under another pier, Kimbo helps Muscles into a rowboat
while the "Doctor," now wearing a suit and tie instead of his barber smock,
sits holding the oars. "It worked like a charm, Boss!" says Muscles. "The
Lane dame will be wearing that signal watch 24 hours a day!" "Good work,
'Muscles'!" replies Kimbo. "With that watch, which signals only US, Lois
Lane will lead us right to Gorcey's million-dollar loot!"

Back at the Planet, Lois runs into Jimmy, who has a bandaged head and his
right arm in a sling--an arm that appears to be missing its hand. "That's
right, Lois…I stopped a runaway horse in the park! I tried to signal
SUPERMAN, but I forgot he was in KANDOR!" says Jimmy, gesturing with the
hand he has left. "But, Jimmy, I spoke to him and he even gave…er…maybe you
're right! I was mistaken!"says Lois, thinking "I mustn't mention my watch!
SUPERMAN asked me NOT to…ULP…that is, if it WAS SUPERMAN!" Kimbo and the
boys, listening in, begin to worry that Lois is getting wise. Lois and
Perry open Gorcey's envelope. "Geronimo! You were right, Perry! This
letter tells exactly where to find the loot that Gorcey hid!" blurts Lois
with a greed-crazed look on her face. "Hmm! But that hiding place is a
dilly! You'll need special equipment to reach it! I'll order it for you at
once!" responds Perry, looking over her shoulder.

Perry makes the arrangements and gives Lois the address where she can pick
up the equipment. Listening in, Kimbo hears Lois say that she'll take a
taxi and gets an idea: "So she's going to take a TAXI, eh? Boys, I think I
know how to prove to Lois Lane that she really saw SUPERMAN today! Doc—put
on these dark glasses—you're about to become a taxi driver!" An hour later,
Lois steps out of the Planet building and Doc, in cab driver disguise with
dark glasses and a cap with his suit and tie, immediately pulls up. "Soon,
as the taxi races down a steep incline," Doc cries out: "EEEYOW! My brakes
just failed! The taxi's out of control!" "ULP! What a spot! I'd better
call SUPERMAN! GULP! That is, if this signal-watch works!" thinks Lois.
As soon as the "ZEEE! ZEEE!" comes out of the watch, Doc starts using the
brakes and the cab slows. "Hey, Miss, look! It was SUPERMAN who stopped
us!" yells Doc, thinking, "CHUCKLE! It's really 'Muscles' in disguise! He
was waiting here at this pre-arranged spot!" As a relieved Lois relaxes in
the back seat, Doc thinks, "Now it's up to 'Muscles' to fake SUPERMAN's
'flight' away from this phoney rescue!" Muscles is behind a tree, thinking
"Ha! Ha! As soon as this compressed helium inflates this rubber balloon of
SUPERMAN, it'll rise in the air, and that Lane dame will think it's her
dream boy flying away!" Unlikely as this sounds, it works, with Lois
saying, "He didn't even wait for our thanks! Isn't he just wonderful?"

Lois prudently has the cab drop her off blocks from her destination, the
Acme Industrial & Safety Equipment Co. at the edge of Metropolis, where a
long green Daily Planet station wagon is parked, loaded with the things
Perry had obtained for her. She drives to "Old Bat Grotto," where she
changes into a miner's outfit—apparently the "special equipment" consists of
coveralls, a helmet, and a rope. Once inside the cave, she tilts a
stalagmite as instructed by Gorcey's letter. This opens a hidden door in
the rock formation, revealing a hidden chest. "Good grief! It's loaded
with diamonds!" thinks Lois. "Now I remember! There was a big robbery of
industrial diamonds in Europe about six years ago! Gorcey must have
smuggled the stolen goods into this country! I'll have to call SUPERMAN to
help me with that chest!" "ZEEE-ZEEE," goes the signal watch, and the
signal is received by a helicopter hovering nearby. "There's your
supersonic signal, Kimbo! It seems to be coming from that cave!" "HA!
Lois thinks she's signaling SUPERMAN! Is she due for a surprise when she
learns her watch is so fixed that its signal reaches only OUR SPECIAL
RADIO!"

The three crooks enter Old Bat Grotto and Kimbo starts shooting. "Stand
where you are, Miss Lane, " he orders, "or my next bullets will be aimed
right at you!" Lois ducks for cover, but Kimbo's shots cause several
stalactites to land on her. She is trapped, though "miraculously
uninjured," thinking, "I'm pinned down here! But why doesn't Superman
answer my signal? Hmm…the watch was damaged by the falling stalactites, but
I'll try it again!" Muscles appears in his Superman costume and sneers,
"Forget the watch, girlie! It's a PHONEY! I gave it to you myself while
pretending to be SUPERMAN!" "Oh, no!" gasps Lois. Suddenly, into Old Bat
Grotto flies Supergirl, whose "amazing heat vision melts the stalactites and
stalagmites into a barrier," which the crooks run smack into. "OUCH…my
nose!" yells Muscles. Supergirl seals them in a cage made of more
stalactites and stalagmites, as Muscles pouts, "CHEE! You broke my nose,
SUPERGIRL!" "Gosh, I'm sorry, 'Superman'! -CHUCKLE!- But I thought you were
as invulnerable as I am!" laughs Supergirl.

Back in Perry's office, Lois asks, "But if the signal watch was a phoney,
how did you manage to find me, SUPERGIRL?" As Jimmy, still bandaged, eyes
her warily, Supergirl explains, "When the falling stalactites struck the
watch, they CHANGED the frequency of the signal! By a freak twist, the NEW
frequency was tuned to MY super-hearing, just as the frequency of Jimmy's
watch is tuned only to SUPERMAN's hearing! Then, with my telescopic vision,
I traced the course of the supersonic alarm, and…" In a flashback panel,
Supergirl thinks, "It's Lois Lane! Those crooks have her trapped in Old Bat
Grotto! I'd better hurry!" Later, when they're alone, Supergirl says to
Lois, "I'm sorry that signal-watch was a fake! But between us girls,
perhaps some day soon you may get a GENUINE signal-watch!" Lois, nearly
overcome with emotion, replies, "Oh, SUPERGIRL, do you think it will really
happen some day?" A final caption asks, "How about it, readers? Do you
think Lois ought to have her own signal-watch? Write and tell us your
view!"

The story is followed by the letters page, Letters to Lois, which contains
eight letters, including this one from Joe Pedecino of Marietta, Georgia:

Dear Editor: I think Lana Lang would make a much better wife for SUPERMAN
than Lois Lane for the following reasons: She is prettier than Lois…She is
not as inquisitive as Lois…She is not as jealous as Lois…She does not get
into as much trouble as Lois…She knows SUPERMAN longer than Lois, ever since
he was SUPERBOY back in Smallville.
(We think you are overlooking several of Lois' qualifications. She is a
better reporter than Lana…she has offered to sacrifice her life to save
SUPERMAN on many occasions…she has proved to be more generous than Lana, and
often does good deeds anonymously, without wanting credit. However, to sum
it up, both girls have virtues which far outweigh their faults—so, let the
best girl win!—Ed.)

Lois Lane #38 Pt 3: "The Girl Who Refused to Marry Superman!"

Lois Lane #38 Pt 3: "The Girl Who Refused to Marry Superman!"

"The Girl Who Refused to Marry Superman!"
Script: ?, pencils & inks: Kurt Schaffenberger
It's February 14 and Superman is visiting the Daily Planet offices. As Lois
and Jimmy look on, Perry shows him a mound of thousands of St. Valentine's
Day cards that were sent to him in care of the Planet. "Gosh, Perry! This
is embarrassing!" he objects, but Lois isn't having it: "Tush! MY card is
in there, and I'm sure Lana Lang didn't forget you, either! So, suppose you
start reading them! It's the least you owe the people who sent them!"
"Well…er…okay, Lois!" he stammers, his tail between his legs. Suddenly
there's someone else in the room, a guy with a receding hairline,
horn-rimmed glasses and a bow tie, who looks a little like Bill Cullen or
maybe Bennett Cerf, looking straight at the reader, pointing at Superman
with his thumb, and exclaiming, "Holy cats! He's reading 1,000 CARDS a
second!" Bill/Bennett vanishes as quickly and mysteriously as he appeared,
with seemingly no one else in the story having noticed him. "Here's the
card YOU sent, Lois! Also Lana Lang's!" says Superman. "But I wonder if
you both are any different from these female admirers who know me only as
SUPERMAN, the great, glamorous hero!" "What do you mean, SUPERMAN?" frowns
Lois. "Just this! These girls don't know the real 'me,' the person I am
when I'm not wearing my colorful costume! [And Lois and Lana do?] Would
they be attracted to me if they knew me only as an ordinary American? I've
often wondered whether you or Lana would care for me if I were not
SUPERMAN…"

But SUPERMAN cuts himself off in mid-sentence, thinking, "Gasp! I-I feel a
tingling sensation, which means the onset of a RED KRYPTONITE reaction! One
of the RED HEARTS on these cards must contain some grains of RED KRYPTONITE
which must have accidentally mixed with the red ink!" [Not again!] He
quickly makes an excuse ("important matters to attend to") and flies out the
window. "Seriously, Lois, SUPERMAN raised a good question!" points out
Perry. "You and Lana have been mad about SUPERMAN for years! But would
either of you still love him if he weren't the greatest super-hero of all
time?" [What if he were, say, Aquaman?] "Of course I would, Perry!"
objects Lois, while thinking, "But…honestly…WOULD I? I wonder…"

Superman, meanwhile, has decided that the red kryptonite tingling was only a
false alarm. He spots two crooks fleeing a bank robbery, and one of them,
who looks like he should be named "Rocky," pulls a hand grenade out of his
pocket and flings it at him. The other one, who looks like a "Muggsy" or
maybe a "Lefty," sneers, "You fool! What good is a grenade against
SUPERMAN? His body is INDESTRUCTIBLE!" But, after a "KABOOOM!" and a
"YEOOWWW!", Superman falls to the sidewalk with an "OHHHHH!" and a
"KRUMMPPP!"

Next we see Superman on a stretcher in Metropolis Hospital, with bandages on
his head, face, chest and arm. "W-Wait! That hand-grenade…my face…I-I
remember falling! Where am I?" "In a hospital, my good man, getting a
blood transfusion!" answers the doctor. "What's the big idea of
masquerading as SUPERMAN?" "Masquerading? Are you mad? I AM SUPERMAN!
I…groan…Ohh, my legs! My arms! They hurt so…" "Take it easy, mister, and
lie still! You've got broken bones and we've taken a dozen grenade
splinters out of your body…which proves you're NOT SUPERMAN! If you were
SUPERMAN, your skin would be penetrable [I think he means impenetrable…] and
we couldn't give you a blood transfusion! Now come clean! Who are you?
Why were you wearing a SUPERMAN costume?" "Great Kryptonite!" Superman
thinks as he lifts his broken arm to his bandaged temple in a typical "Great
Kryptonite!" gesture. "I know what's wrong! The RED KRYPTONITE reaction!
It robbed me of my super-powers just as I was about to stop those crooks! I
became instantly transformed into a normal human being…" Give the doctor
credit for open-mindedness, though, because despite the obvious
non-invulnerability of his patient, he sends for Perry White to come and
question the man: "He'll know whether he's a faker or not!"

That evening, Perry arrives at the hospital room and promptly lights his
cigar. Lois and Jimmy, of course, have come with him. "If you really are
SUPERMAN, tell me what you gave me for my birthday last month!" he
challenges. "That's easy…I gave you that cigar lighter you're using. It
contains a fuel from another world, so that you don't have to refill it for
TEN YEARS!" [Since it's from another world, it follows that you wouldn't
have to refill it for ten years.] "There's no doubt of his being SUPERMAN!
Only SUPERMAN and I know about this unique lighter!" Perry tells the doctor.
"Then SUPERMAN has actually LOST his powers! What a blow!" observes the
doctor, who actually looks pretty blasé about the whole thing. "Now the
whole universe will be at the mercy of the menaces SUPERMAN alone used to
handle." Lois sits on the edge of the bed and tries to console him. "This
is terrible! SUPERMAN is now an ordinary person!" she says, coming up a
bit short in the good cheer department. "Here's the signal-watch you gave
me, SUPERMAN! I-I guess I won't be needing it any more!" is Jimmy's
contribution, which seems like adding insult to injury. "No, Jimmy! It
looks like I…uh…won't be much use to you now!" responds Superman, who then
muses on the fact that the others don't realize that this can't last more
than 48 hours. "Two days from now all my wounds will automatically heal and
I'll be my old self again! But what an opportunity this situation gives me
to learn something that's puzzled me for years! Whether Lois and Lana are
in love with my GLAMOR or ME!"

The next day Lois and Lana enter the hospital room simultaneously; Lois with
candy, fruit and books, and Lana with a transistor radio, a phonograph and a
stack of records. "Now what shall I read to you…Shakespeare or a mystery?"
asks Lois. "And after I fluff up your pillows, I'll play your favorite
records!" counters Lana. "What'll it be…Beethoven or bop?" Superman asks
them not to make a fuss, and reminds them that he's nobody special now, just
an ordinary man, but they each kiss him and swear that it doesn't make any
difference.

The next scene occurs "days later," according to the caption, but 48 hours
after the injuries, according to Lois. The doctor removes Superman's head
bandages and asks him what he sees—even though the bandages were never over
his eyes in the first place. It must not yet be 48 hours after the grenade
explosion, as Superman finds that he can't even tell the difference between
Lois and Lana, standing right in front of him. "It's shocking, Lana!"
confides Lois. "He can't see—but only 48 hours ago he had microscopic
vision, telescopic, and x-ray vision!" "Shh, Lois…SUPERMAN may hear you!"
"You forget SUPERMAN no longer has super-hearing! The glamorous super-hero
we once knew is no more! Now he's just an invalid!" Perry, also in the
room [though Jimmy vanished from the story as soon as Lana
appeared—coincidence?], gives Superman a tape recorder so that he can
dictate his memoirs for the Planet and earn a living like everybody else.
Perry plugs it in and suggests, "Why don't you begin by relating how you
always kept an eye on your best friends? Like the many times you rescued
Jimmy Olsen, Lois, Lana, and me?" Superman starts by remembering saving
Lana from a dinosaur when she got "trapped in the prehistoric past" and Lois
from savage aliens when Luthor had abandoned her in outer space. Soon he
tells Perry that he's too weak to continue. "Isn't it awful, Lana?" asks
Lois. "SUPERMAN can never come to our rescue again!" "You're right! Our
whole lives will change now that SUPERMAN is no longer "super'!" [What an
inconvenience for the two of them.]

The next day, Lois and Lana are pushing Superman in a wheelchair in what
looks like a park. "The doctors said it may take a year before you'll be
all right, SUPERMAN!" says Lana. "But you can count on Lois or me to be
around!" "You mean…both of you STILL care for an invalid like me?" he
whines pathetically. "Invalid…bosh!" replies Lois as she and Lana exchange
worried looks behind his back. "Nothing…uh…could change our feelings toward
you!" Unbeknownst to them, Superman is smirking and thinking, "Hmm…it won't
be long now before the RED KRYPTONITE wears off! [This is getting to be a
very long 48 hours!] So tonight won't be too soon to learn how these girls
really feel about me! But I must lay my plans carefully!"

That night, Lois and Lana, both in dripping wet raincoats from a
thunderstorm, are talking in Superman's room, as he seems to be asleep.
"But I've been wondering something, Lana!" says Lois. "Mind if I speak
frankly to you…about SUPERMAN?" But he's not asleep, he's thinking: "That's
it, girls! Start talking! I can't make out your voices or see you clearly,
but the tape recorder volume is turned up to catch your every word!"
Unfortunately, the reader can't see which is which, as the following
exchange occurs:

LL#1: Well, as you know, SUPERMAN isn't super any more! He's just ordinary
now! This changes everything for me…"
LL#2: I can understand YOUR change of heart and why YOU'D never marry
SUPERMAN now. But I'D marry him even if he were deaf, dumb and blind!"
LL#1: Then I wish you luck, because I'M dropping out of the picture! I
guess I was always in love with the super-hero, not the man beneath the
costume!"

But when they leave and Superman plays back the tape, he hears: "SQUAAWW! I
won't marry SUPERMAN now that he isn't super any more! SQUAAWW! KRAA!" He
doesn't conclude that they were being attacked by crows, but instead thinks,
"Gasp! I can't make out who's talking! The storm must have affected the
mechanism and ruined the sound! One says she'll marry me! One says she WON
'T! But I can't tell whether it's Lois or Lana!"

Suddenly, Superman finds himself outside, in mid-air, grabbing Rocky and
Muggsy by the collars. "See? Didn't I tell you that grenade wouldn't stop
him? Now he's got us!" nags Muggsy. "G-GOT them? But that grenade injured
me! I-I lost my super-powers! I was hospitalized and I was testing Lois
and Lana to see which one truly loved me!" thinks Superman. "GREAT KRYPTON!
Now I know what happened! The RED KRYPTONITE didn't affect my powers at
all! But for one split second, it gave me a hallucination about Lois and
Lana's feelings about me! Between the time of the grenade burst and now I
only experienced a SUPER-SPEED DREAM!"

The story ends with Superman still deep in thought, as now the press, the
mobile TV camera unit, and Lois and Lana have arrived at the scene. "What's
the matter, SUPERMAN?" asks Lois. "You're staring at me so strangely!"
"And at me, too! What's wrong?" asks Lana. "Why…er…nothing!" is all he can
say, as he thinks, "Hmm…Even in a momentary hallucination I couldn't learn
which one would marry me for myself! I wonder…which of the two girls said
'NO'…which one said 'YES'??" And a final caption asks: "Readers—can you
guess? Give us your reasons and we'll print the best letters!"

The issue then ends with a 2/3 page Henry Boltinoff "Jerry the Jitterbug"
gag—how out-of-date was that in 1963? Henry could at least have re-named
him "Twistin' Tim"…