BRAD: And now-- finally-- we're getting down to cases. The Cruel Clowns have shown up the Metal Men and are about to show their true colors.
RAVEN: They already are, that's the point.
BRAD: Anyhoo, part III of The Cruel Clowns.
NARRATOR: Like a miniature cloudburst, the strange ray transfixes the startled Metal Men...
CLOWN: So! You want to be clowns! To make people laugh!
WALDO: Don't you know? All the world wants to laugh.
NARRATOR: The ray wreaks its fantastic powers upon the powerless robots...
CLOWN: Ha--ha--ha--ha! I'll make your wish come true! in a way you've never dreamed!
NARRATOR: A massive hand closes upon the stunned Metal men...
IRON: We've been turned into miniatures of ourselves!
TINA: We're no bigger than marbles!
RAVEN: Hey, Heroclix are hot!
NARRATOR: The huge sinister eyes of the cruel clown stare ruthlessly at the transformed robots as...
CLOWN: I'll give you a circus to perform in! For the rest of your lives!
TIN: For a robot-- that's f-f-forever!
WALDO: Not if you ask Mike Carlin.
IRON: This miniature circus is our prison!
NARRATOR: The horrendous hand snaps shut the lid of the crystal ball circus and drops it into a cavernous pocket...
TIN: Where is he t-taking us?
NARRATOR: Inside the pocket, black as pitch...
RAVEN: Artist's Timesaver &3.
GOLD?: We're in motion!
IRON?: Where are we heading for now?
TINA?: We've no choice but to wait-- and see!
MERCURY?: The suspense is shocking my computer!
NARRATOR: Time passes slow as a shadow... swifter than thought...
BRAD: Crippled as your syntax.
NARRATOR: And the cruel clowns emerge onto their mysterious planet...
WALDO: Planet? Hey, you mean they're aliens?
RAVEN: That makes them Killer Klowns from Outer--
BRAD: Ah, we've haven't seen them kill anybody.
RAVEN: Oh.
CLOWN: Our raid on Earth was successful! Now-- to your abodes! And a screaming time with your prisoners!
BRAD: Prisoners? But we don't see any other prisoners besides the Metal Men.
WALDO: Just as well. I'd hate to depend on these guys for a rescue.
CLOWN: I'm laughing already! Ho--ho--ho--!
CLOWN 2: You can say that again! He-- he-- he--!
CLOWN: On our clown planet-- earthlings are comic figures! That's why you have been raided! Now-- you will perform! Make us laugh! Until our gloomy planet shakes with laughter!
NARRATOR: The titanic clown-captor's words fall heavily upon the startled and amazed Metal men...
CLOWN: You heard me! perform! Do Tricks!
TIN: He thinks we're r-real clowns!
RAVEN: He hasn't read your last few issues.
GOLD: We couldn't make REAL people laugh! Now we have to make this creature laugh-- our lives depend on it!
WALDO: So does he represent the audience, or just the editor?
CLOWN: Stop whispering amongst yourselves! You can't escape! You're here for all eternity! now make me laugh, clowns, laugh!
WALDO: Even though our hearts are breaking?
CLOWN: Do you want to be destroyed now? Make with the yaks! Give me a bellyful! Living ain't living without laughter!
BRAD: His anger rises and his diction lowers.
IRON: That clown means it!
TINA: It's laughter-- or our lives!
LEAD: I haven't got a laugh in me!
RAVEN: Gawd, I wish Pauly Shore and Carrot Top were in that globe!
NARRATOR: Just then, a gigantic clowness appears...
CLOWNESS: I want THAT one! For my very own!
TIN: H-H-Hey, wait!
WALDO: Some people just naturally pick the runt of the litter...
TIN: I'm j-j-just Tin... you can't m-m-mean me! I'm the l-l-least worthy of the Metal Men! Take a s-second look at me!
CLOWNESS: My second look is even better than the first! You're the only one I want! You're real cute!
WALDO: Poor little Pirouette, HERE'S your Perot!
RAVEN: Sad really.
CLOWNESS: I'm going to make you my own little puppet! You're going to make only ME laugh! At my own abode!
RAVEN: Now that's the kind of clown that keeps BIG boys from falling asleep at night!
TIN: Perform? I f-f-feel more like crying! Somebody, HELP M-M-ME!
BRAD: Bad case of performance anxiety.
NARRATOR: As the giant clowness steps away with the plaintive Tin, Lead discovers...
LEAD: Look! A "human cannon"!
TINA: It's just what we need to blast our way out of this devil circus!
IRON: C'mon gang!
NARRATOR: Lead transforms himself into a cannonball and...
LEAD: Ram me in, good and tight, Iron!
RAVEN: Huh-huh... Huh-huh...
IRON: Okay, Lead! Take a deep breath!
LEAD: I'm all set! Fire away!
NARRATOR: The "human cannon" is fired with an explosive roar...
CANNON: BOOM!
WALDO: So Thunders The Cannoneer!
NARRATOR: Upwards Lead hurtles, and with all his rugged force...
LEAD: I've got to ram out of here! Ughhhnnn---
GLOBE: CRASH!
LEAD: Lead made it on the first try!
BR&W: Huh?
MERCURY: He's our only chance! We've got to keep on firing-- until we break through!
WALDO: Didn't he just do that?
MERCURY: Ohh-- if only my globules were as tough as my will-- I'd smash us through!
BRAD: Instead, your globules are as slippery as the storyline.
NARRATOR: The cruel Clown snarls at the antics of the Metal Men...
CLOWN: Very funny! Keep scrambling! I feel a yak coming on!
RAVEN: Leave your personal life out of this.
IRON: That big lummox thinks we're doing this for laughs!
LEAD: Stuff me in again while he thinks this is all part of our act!
GOLD: Ready for firing, Lead?
TINA: Don't be so formal, Iron!
RAVEN: Iron? Are they blind, or did nobody edit this?
LEAD: Fire away!
NARRATOR: AgAin the patient lead cannonball is fired... with Titanic force Lead rockets into the unwary giant...
BRAD: You know, if John Carpenter got a royalty each time Kanigher used the word "Titanic," he'd double his personnal fortune...
LEAD: This'll make you die laughing-- I hope!
CLOWN'S CHIN: WAM!
RAVEN: And the lead ball is as big as the clown's head.
BRAD: So?
RAVEN: Just sayin' is all.
NARRATOR: Desperately, the Metal Men scramble out of their comic prison and...
TINA: Tow the cannon with us! It's our only chance of rescuing poor Tin!
IRON: Heave Ho, men!
MERCURY: I don't mind heaving but let's leave out the ho's! I don't feel like laughing!
WALDO: I hear ya.
IRON: There's that giant lady clown again! Carrying Tin around with her on the end of a string!
RAVEN: Like she's walking an ant...
LEAD: This is my cue to get inside that cannon again!
IRON: You'd better make a hit the first time, Lead-- before they gang up on us-- and smash us into metal junk!
LEAD: I'm loaded!
BRAD: (MMmmf) So was editorial...?
NARRATOR: Again the robot-armed cannon roars...
CANNON: BROOOM
LEAD: Here I go! Watch the show!
RAVEN: When Polly's in trouble I am not slow!
NARRATOR: Like a flying sledgehammer Lead hurtles into the cruel giantess and...
RAVEN: Right between the pompons!
NARRATOR: With the titanic creature toppled...
TIN: G-G-Gosh, Tina! Thanks for f-f-freeing me!
TINA: We're not free yet-- as long as we're on this planet!
IRON: Heave the cannon back toward the spaceship! Looks like it's going to be our only chance of getting back to Earth!
BRAD: Oh, c'mon, a little bitty cannon like that can't hit Earth!
GOLD: Here come the rest of the giants!
TIN: And they're n-n-not laughing!
LEAD: Here's where I go into my act! Ready, Iron?
IRON: I'm ready, Lead! What's your gimmick, this time?
LEAD: I'm going to separate myself into a cluster of cannonballs!
WALDO: Can he DO that?
BRAD: I guess. Tina once spun herself into six go-go dancers.
RAVEN: Let's do that issue next!
LEAD: I'm off to the wild blue yonder!
IRON: Never mind the yonder! Get those giants-- before they pulverize us!
NARRATOR: Like automatic cannon fire, Lead plummets into the onrushing giants like a metal cloudburst, and...
CLOWN HEADS: KLUNNGGG! KLUNNNNG! BRANNNG!
LEAD: They're down and out! Listening to a concert of canaries!
RAVEN: Well, don't get a swelled head-- oh, too late...
IRON: C'mon, aboard the spaceship-- before they start to applaud us with those demolition ball-size fists!
NARRATOR: With a rocket-like roar the spaceship zooms away from the cruel planet...
BRAD: Only rocket LIKE? What is it, a biplane?
NARRATOR: Inside the hurtling spaceship...
MERCURY: We sure have to stretch to reach these controls! Ha-- Ha-- Ha!
RAVEN: Like that's tough for you guys.
IRON: Something else is reaching us! And it isn't funny! Look! A meteor shower is heading our way! It can riddle us like a sponge!
BRAD: Insert Frank Gorshin reference here.
LEAD: What'll we do?
GOLD: There's no place to go!
NARRATOR: The doughty Lead hurries to an exit hatch...
LEAD: We've got to have a missile-curtain! And I'M the only metal aboard that can do it!
BRAD: Actually, isn't platinum denser than lead?
WALDO: Yeah, but she's a gurl! And dey got cooties!
NARRATOR: Lead ventures into space, where...
LEAD: Ooops! I won't be able to provide much of a shield! I forgot how reduced in size I am! Just like all the rest of the gang!
NARRATOR: But, to Lead's amazement...
LEAD: I'm growing! I'm growing back to my normal size! And then some!
RAVEN: I thought Lead wasn't affected by radiation.
BRAD: Hey, we've only got a page and a half left -- don't make trouble.
NARRATOR: As Lead's cosmically comic face appears...
MERCURY: Look at Lead! He's not only back to normal size! But he's become a giant!
WALDO: You think the cosmic rays did it?
BRAD: I'd say there's a Red Ghost of a chance.
NARRATOR: Outside, in mysterious space, the Metal Men scramble toward the meteor shower...
IRON: C'mon, everyone! Take a bath!
TINA: Anything to get out of this mouse size!
MERCURY: M-Me, too!
RAVEN: I'm not saying anything... it's a coloring screwup, but I'm not saying anything...
LEAD: Hurry! No telling how long this will last!
WALDO: About as long as dea ex machina usually run.
MERCURY (really!): Watch yourself, Lead! Don't step on us!
LEAD: I'll be careful!
TIN: How d-d-do I look?
IRON: Like yourself! Only more so!
MERCURY: I can feel my globules expanding!
BRAD: Keep it to yourself!
TINA: Imagine being life-size again!
LEAD: You're pretty any size!
RAVEN: Lead's a little heavy-handed with the compliments...
LEAD: The cosmic shower's over!
TINA: I feel like I've been in a beauty shop!
TIN: But it d-d-did its work!
IRON: An iron foundry's more like it for me!
BRAD: Alternating responses, just like a chat room.
NARRATOR: The spaceship hurtles on under the command of Gold, until...
MERCURY: Well, there's Earth!
IRON: The planet that doesn't w-w-want us any more!
BRAD: ... Let's just assume he's making fun of Tin.
LEAD: There must be SOMETHING we can do to make the people like us the way they used to!
TIN: But WHAT?
TINA: I wish I knew!
MERCURY: We'd better find it! You can't go on living-- without being loved!
NARRATOR: What is the answer to the Metal Men's dilemma? Will they keep their cool-- or be in hot water again? The next issue must provide the answer! Unless YOU can come up with one, readers!
RAVEN: Well, lessee, we'll make Doc a robot too, only for a nonexistent metal, and, and, we'll say the Metal Men were based on humans all this time, and we'll kill off Gold, and--
BRAD: Raven, you're babbling! Tossing stuff out without rhyme or reason!
RAVEN: No, DC actually did all the things I mentioned!
BRAD:... I know, I'm just in denial. So that's the Hunted Metal Men. We've got ads for the Superman-Batman and Aquaman cartoon shows; a text piece on the Alan Scott Green Lantern; and the letters page, with nobody famous on it.
RAVEN: Hey Brad, reset my responsometer.
BRAD: (Runs from room screaming)
WALDO: I'll reset yours if you'll reset mine.
RAVEN: ...Okay.
RAVEN: They already are, that's the point.
BRAD: Anyhoo, part III of The Cruel Clowns.
NARRATOR: Like a miniature cloudburst, the strange ray transfixes the startled Metal Men...
CLOWN: So! You want to be clowns! To make people laugh!
WALDO: Don't you know? All the world wants to laugh.
NARRATOR: The ray wreaks its fantastic powers upon the powerless robots...
CLOWN: Ha--ha--ha--ha! I'll make your wish come true! in a way you've never dreamed!
NARRATOR: A massive hand closes upon the stunned Metal men...
IRON: We've been turned into miniatures of ourselves!
TINA: We're no bigger than marbles!
RAVEN: Hey, Heroclix are hot!
NARRATOR: The huge sinister eyes of the cruel clown stare ruthlessly at the transformed robots as...
CLOWN: I'll give you a circus to perform in! For the rest of your lives!
TIN: For a robot-- that's f-f-forever!
WALDO: Not if you ask Mike Carlin.
IRON: This miniature circus is our prison!
NARRATOR: The horrendous hand snaps shut the lid of the crystal ball circus and drops it into a cavernous pocket...
TIN: Where is he t-taking us?
NARRATOR: Inside the pocket, black as pitch...
RAVEN: Artist's Timesaver &3.
GOLD?: We're in motion!
IRON?: Where are we heading for now?
TINA?: We've no choice but to wait-- and see!
MERCURY?: The suspense is shocking my computer!
NARRATOR: Time passes slow as a shadow... swifter than thought...
BRAD: Crippled as your syntax.
NARRATOR: And the cruel clowns emerge onto their mysterious planet...
WALDO: Planet? Hey, you mean they're aliens?
RAVEN: That makes them Killer Klowns from Outer--
BRAD: Ah, we've haven't seen them kill anybody.
RAVEN: Oh.
CLOWN: Our raid on Earth was successful! Now-- to your abodes! And a screaming time with your prisoners!
BRAD: Prisoners? But we don't see any other prisoners besides the Metal Men.
WALDO: Just as well. I'd hate to depend on these guys for a rescue.
CLOWN: I'm laughing already! Ho--ho--ho--!
CLOWN 2: You can say that again! He-- he-- he--!
CLOWN: On our clown planet-- earthlings are comic figures! That's why you have been raided! Now-- you will perform! Make us laugh! Until our gloomy planet shakes with laughter!
NARRATOR: The titanic clown-captor's words fall heavily upon the startled and amazed Metal men...
CLOWN: You heard me! perform! Do Tricks!
TIN: He thinks we're r-real clowns!
RAVEN: He hasn't read your last few issues.
GOLD: We couldn't make REAL people laugh! Now we have to make this creature laugh-- our lives depend on it!
WALDO: So does he represent the audience, or just the editor?
CLOWN: Stop whispering amongst yourselves! You can't escape! You're here for all eternity! now make me laugh, clowns, laugh!
WALDO: Even though our hearts are breaking?
CLOWN: Do you want to be destroyed now? Make with the yaks! Give me a bellyful! Living ain't living without laughter!
BRAD: His anger rises and his diction lowers.
IRON: That clown means it!
TINA: It's laughter-- or our lives!
LEAD: I haven't got a laugh in me!
RAVEN: Gawd, I wish Pauly Shore and Carrot Top were in that globe!
NARRATOR: Just then, a gigantic clowness appears...
CLOWNESS: I want THAT one! For my very own!
TIN: H-H-Hey, wait!
WALDO: Some people just naturally pick the runt of the litter...
TIN: I'm j-j-just Tin... you can't m-m-mean me! I'm the l-l-least worthy of the Metal Men! Take a s-second look at me!
CLOWNESS: My second look is even better than the first! You're the only one I want! You're real cute!
WALDO: Poor little Pirouette, HERE'S your Perot!
RAVEN: Sad really.
CLOWNESS: I'm going to make you my own little puppet! You're going to make only ME laugh! At my own abode!
RAVEN: Now that's the kind of clown that keeps BIG boys from falling asleep at night!
TIN: Perform? I f-f-feel more like crying! Somebody, HELP M-M-ME!
BRAD: Bad case of performance anxiety.
NARRATOR: As the giant clowness steps away with the plaintive Tin, Lead discovers...
LEAD: Look! A "human cannon"!
TINA: It's just what we need to blast our way out of this devil circus!
IRON: C'mon gang!
NARRATOR: Lead transforms himself into a cannonball and...
LEAD: Ram me in, good and tight, Iron!
RAVEN: Huh-huh... Huh-huh...
IRON: Okay, Lead! Take a deep breath!
LEAD: I'm all set! Fire away!
NARRATOR: The "human cannon" is fired with an explosive roar...
CANNON: BOOM!
WALDO: So Thunders The Cannoneer!
NARRATOR: Upwards Lead hurtles, and with all his rugged force...
LEAD: I've got to ram out of here! Ughhhnnn---
GLOBE: CRASH!
LEAD: Lead made it on the first try!
BR&W: Huh?
MERCURY: He's our only chance! We've got to keep on firing-- until we break through!
WALDO: Didn't he just do that?
MERCURY: Ohh-- if only my globules were as tough as my will-- I'd smash us through!
BRAD: Instead, your globules are as slippery as the storyline.
NARRATOR: The cruel Clown snarls at the antics of the Metal Men...
CLOWN: Very funny! Keep scrambling! I feel a yak coming on!
RAVEN: Leave your personal life out of this.
IRON: That big lummox thinks we're doing this for laughs!
LEAD: Stuff me in again while he thinks this is all part of our act!
GOLD: Ready for firing, Lead?
TINA: Don't be so formal, Iron!
RAVEN: Iron? Are they blind, or did nobody edit this?
LEAD: Fire away!
NARRATOR: AgAin the patient lead cannonball is fired... with Titanic force Lead rockets into the unwary giant...
BRAD: You know, if John Carpenter got a royalty each time Kanigher used the word "Titanic," he'd double his personnal fortune...
LEAD: This'll make you die laughing-- I hope!
CLOWN'S CHIN: WAM!
RAVEN: And the lead ball is as big as the clown's head.
BRAD: So?
RAVEN: Just sayin' is all.
NARRATOR: Desperately, the Metal Men scramble out of their comic prison and...
TINA: Tow the cannon with us! It's our only chance of rescuing poor Tin!
IRON: Heave Ho, men!
MERCURY: I don't mind heaving but let's leave out the ho's! I don't feel like laughing!
WALDO: I hear ya.
IRON: There's that giant lady clown again! Carrying Tin around with her on the end of a string!
RAVEN: Like she's walking an ant...
LEAD: This is my cue to get inside that cannon again!
IRON: You'd better make a hit the first time, Lead-- before they gang up on us-- and smash us into metal junk!
LEAD: I'm loaded!
BRAD: (MMmmf) So was editorial...?
NARRATOR: Again the robot-armed cannon roars...
CANNON: BROOOM
LEAD: Here I go! Watch the show!
RAVEN: When Polly's in trouble I am not slow!
NARRATOR: Like a flying sledgehammer Lead hurtles into the cruel giantess and...
RAVEN: Right between the pompons!
NARRATOR: With the titanic creature toppled...
TIN: G-G-Gosh, Tina! Thanks for f-f-freeing me!
TINA: We're not free yet-- as long as we're on this planet!
IRON: Heave the cannon back toward the spaceship! Looks like it's going to be our only chance of getting back to Earth!
BRAD: Oh, c'mon, a little bitty cannon like that can't hit Earth!
GOLD: Here come the rest of the giants!
TIN: And they're n-n-not laughing!
LEAD: Here's where I go into my act! Ready, Iron?
IRON: I'm ready, Lead! What's your gimmick, this time?
LEAD: I'm going to separate myself into a cluster of cannonballs!
WALDO: Can he DO that?
BRAD: I guess. Tina once spun herself into six go-go dancers.
RAVEN: Let's do that issue next!
LEAD: I'm off to the wild blue yonder!
IRON: Never mind the yonder! Get those giants-- before they pulverize us!
NARRATOR: Like automatic cannon fire, Lead plummets into the onrushing giants like a metal cloudburst, and...
CLOWN HEADS: KLUNNGGG! KLUNNNNG! BRANNNG!
LEAD: They're down and out! Listening to a concert of canaries!
RAVEN: Well, don't get a swelled head-- oh, too late...
IRON: C'mon, aboard the spaceship-- before they start to applaud us with those demolition ball-size fists!
NARRATOR: With a rocket-like roar the spaceship zooms away from the cruel planet...
BRAD: Only rocket LIKE? What is it, a biplane?
NARRATOR: Inside the hurtling spaceship...
MERCURY: We sure have to stretch to reach these controls! Ha-- Ha-- Ha!
RAVEN: Like that's tough for you guys.
IRON: Something else is reaching us! And it isn't funny! Look! A meteor shower is heading our way! It can riddle us like a sponge!
BRAD: Insert Frank Gorshin reference here.
LEAD: What'll we do?
GOLD: There's no place to go!
NARRATOR: The doughty Lead hurries to an exit hatch...
LEAD: We've got to have a missile-curtain! And I'M the only metal aboard that can do it!
BRAD: Actually, isn't platinum denser than lead?
WALDO: Yeah, but she's a gurl! And dey got cooties!
NARRATOR: Lead ventures into space, where...
LEAD: Ooops! I won't be able to provide much of a shield! I forgot how reduced in size I am! Just like all the rest of the gang!
NARRATOR: But, to Lead's amazement...
LEAD: I'm growing! I'm growing back to my normal size! And then some!
RAVEN: I thought Lead wasn't affected by radiation.
BRAD: Hey, we've only got a page and a half left -- don't make trouble.
NARRATOR: As Lead's cosmically comic face appears...
MERCURY: Look at Lead! He's not only back to normal size! But he's become a giant!
WALDO: You think the cosmic rays did it?
BRAD: I'd say there's a Red Ghost of a chance.
NARRATOR: Outside, in mysterious space, the Metal Men scramble toward the meteor shower...
IRON: C'mon, everyone! Take a bath!
TINA: Anything to get out of this mouse size!
MERCURY: M-Me, too!
RAVEN: I'm not saying anything... it's a coloring screwup, but I'm not saying anything...
LEAD: Hurry! No telling how long this will last!
WALDO: About as long as dea ex machina usually run.
MERCURY (really!): Watch yourself, Lead! Don't step on us!
LEAD: I'll be careful!
TIN: How d-d-do I look?
IRON: Like yourself! Only more so!
MERCURY: I can feel my globules expanding!
BRAD: Keep it to yourself!
TINA: Imagine being life-size again!
LEAD: You're pretty any size!
RAVEN: Lead's a little heavy-handed with the compliments...
LEAD: The cosmic shower's over!
TINA: I feel like I've been in a beauty shop!
TIN: But it d-d-did its work!
IRON: An iron foundry's more like it for me!
BRAD: Alternating responses, just like a chat room.
NARRATOR: The spaceship hurtles on under the command of Gold, until...
MERCURY: Well, there's Earth!
IRON: The planet that doesn't w-w-want us any more!
BRAD: ... Let's just assume he's making fun of Tin.
LEAD: There must be SOMETHING we can do to make the people like us the way they used to!
TIN: But WHAT?
TINA: I wish I knew!
MERCURY: We'd better find it! You can't go on living-- without being loved!
NARRATOR: What is the answer to the Metal Men's dilemma? Will they keep their cool-- or be in hot water again? The next issue must provide the answer! Unless YOU can come up with one, readers!
RAVEN: Well, lessee, we'll make Doc a robot too, only for a nonexistent metal, and, and, we'll say the Metal Men were based on humans all this time, and we'll kill off Gold, and--
BRAD: Raven, you're babbling! Tossing stuff out without rhyme or reason!
RAVEN: No, DC actually did all the things I mentioned!
BRAD:... I know, I'm just in denial. So that's the Hunted Metal Men. We've got ads for the Superman-Batman and Aquaman cartoon shows; a text piece on the Alan Scott Green Lantern; and the letters page, with nobody famous on it.
RAVEN: Hey Brad, reset my responsometer.
BRAD: (Runs from room screaming)
WALDO: I'll reset yours if you'll reset mine.
RAVEN: ...Okay.
