BRAD: Hi, folks. This past weekend I was at the Big-Easy Comic Con where
they had a tribute to John Broome, the Golden- and Silver-Age writer who died recently. At the same con I picked up a copy of DC SPECIAL PRESENTS
SUPER-HEROES' WAR AGAINST THE MONSTERS from a dollar box. It had a Broome story in it. So I got together with my mechanical friends Raven.--
RAVEN: I'm bitter!
BRAD: and Waldo--
WALDO: I'm the wind, baby!
BRAD: And let's all sit back and enjoy THE LEAP YEAR MENACE.
GL: (voiceover) I created that monster myself-- with my power beam!
RAVEN: It's the Fifty-Foot Yoda from the Black Lagoon!
GL (vo): But now I've got to destroy it-- before it reaches that atomic
stockpile-- and destroys the country!
WALDO: Analysis-- Mr. Spock!
NARRATOR: What possible reason could Green Lantern have for creating a
creature that would threaten Coast City?
BRAD: He's trying to beat Mongul to the punch?
NARRATOR: For the intriguing answer to this mystery it is necessary to delve
into the dramatic-- and highly-explosive-- situation between the Emerald
Gladiator and a certain lovely but determined damsel named Carol Ferris! (basso
profundo) THE LEAP YEAR MENACE!
RAVEN: Where C-3P0 finally proposes to R2-D2.
WALDO: I hate robots.
NARRATOR: In the headquarters of the Coast City Community Chest...
BRAD: I draw two cards and get an extra turn.
GL: Yes, Mrs. Cranston! I'll be glad to appear at the launching of the Coast
City Community Chest Drive this afternoon!
MRS. CRANSTON: Thank you, Green Lantern! Your presence will draw a big crowd
-- and big donations!
WALDO: And go towards my community service on that DWI.
NARRATOR: And, as the Emerald Gladiator exits from the building...
GIRL: OOOOOOO-- There he is!
GL (vo): Great Ghosts! It's the Green Lantern Fan Club! They've been
hounding me for a week-- but I've always dodged them up to now!
GIRL 1: Green Lantern! I touched him... I'm going to faint...
BRAD: Doesn't he ever wash that uniform?
GIRL 2: Sign my autograph book, please!
GIRL 3: Let go! We saw him first!
GL (vo): By the Guardians! If this keeps up I'll be torn apart!
BRAD: Boy, Jimmy Olsen's fan club never acted like this!
RAVEN: For which thank God.
NARRATOR: As GL, using his Power Ring(TM), soars away...
GIRL 4: Stop him-- someone!
GL (vo): I've got to get away! as Hal Jordan-- my alter ego-- I've got an
important appoinment with Carol Ferris in just a few minutes!
NARRATOR: Soon, at the Ferris Aircraft Company, after the escaped hero has
changed to his civilian identity...
HAL: You wanted to see me, Carol?
CAROL: Yes, Hal! But it's personal-- and has nothing to do with your duties
as a Test Pilot here...
BRAD: And has nothing to do with my legs so EYES TOPSIDE, BUSTER!
NARRATOR: A great light seems to burst inside the crack airman...
WALDO: Lantern... great light... can Broome write 'em or what?
HAL (vo): Ah! maybe she's finally realized that it's me she loves-- and not
Green Lantern! (speaking) Personal, Carol?
CAROL: Yes, Hal. Hal, I regard you as my friend -- as just about the best
friend I have --
WALDO: Uh-oh.
RAVEN: She's coming out!
BRAD: No.
RAVEN: She's really a man!
BRAD: Not until Englehart gets his hands on her.
CAROL: --And I want to get your opinion! You know, this is Leap Year... and
I was thinking, since Green Lantern seems too shy to propose to me-- why
don't I propose to him!?
HAL: Eh?
BR&W: Wah... Wah... Wah....
BRAD: Didn't expect that, in a story called "Leap Year Menace."
WALDO: Nice take, though.
CAROL: I'm going to see him at the Charity Drive this afternoon! And it may
be a perfect time! We're bound to find ourselves alone together...
BRAD: If you're together you're not alone. But you knew that.
CAROL: You don't seem very enthusiastic about my idea...
HAL: I'm NOT! I don't think you ought to marry Green Lantern, Carol! He's --
ah -- too much of a celebrity! You ought to marry somebody who's less of a
public figure! Somebody--
CAROL: Somebody like you, you mean!
BRAD: I'm just a modest and unassuming crack test pilot.
HAL: Well, that the best idea you've offered so far...
CAROL: I don't think it's any idea at all, Mr. Jordan! Forgive me for taking
up your valuable time!
HAL (vo): Carol seems determined to take advantage of Leap Year and propose
to Green Lantern! But it's as myself -- Hal Jordan -- that I want to win her!
BRAD: (Laughs) Caught in a triangle with himself! How does DC get these
fresh new ideas?
HAL(vo): Golly! What will I do if she actually proposes? GL has to show up
at that charity affair this afternoon! It can't be avoided!
WALDO: Have to give those villains a clear shot.
HAL(vo): And it will be equally hard to avoid being alone with Carol! Only
one way out of this dilemma -- I've got to use all my wiles to prevent Carol
from popping the question!
RAVEN: This cost you a dollar?
BRAD: Well, there ARE three other stories. Including one by Bob Kanigher!
RAVEN: OHHHhhhh...
NARRATOR: Later, behind locked doors in the hangar, a slightly somber
Gladiator takes his oath before the Power Lamp...
GL: In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight!
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware my power -- Green Lantern's light!
BRAD: My uniform is oh so tight.
RAVEN: Those villains keep me up at night.
WALDO: I just can't fix this overbite.
NARRATOR: And soon, at the Tavern in the Park, where the charity affair is
about to begin...
MRS. CRANSTON: Ah! Here comes Green Lantern now!
BRAD: I was going to introduce you to my husband Lamont but he seems to have
disappeared...
NARRATOR: But as a threatening shower bids to spoil the festivities...
GUEST: What a shame! We'll be rained out!
MRS. CRANSTON: Oh, Green Lantern! If only you could do something with your
ring---!
GUEST: How wonderful! Green Lantern has raised a huge Green Umbrella with
his Power Ring(TM)! It's pouring all around us... but we're dry!
WALDO: The Umbrella, Wonder of Science!
NARRATOR: Shortly...
MRS. CRANSTON: The sun's out again!
GL (vo): Here comes Carol now-- and from that determined look in her eyes, I
can see she means business!
BR&W: (Dragnet music) Bomp ba daaah-- Bomp ba da ba daaaah-- Bomp ba daaah--
Bomp ba da ba daaaah--
NARRATOR: Continued on 3rd page following.
NARRATOR: JUSTICE FOR ALL INCLUDES CHILDREN, 2!
BRAD: OK, so these two kids are spraying this brick wall...
POLICEMAN: What's going on here!
WALDO: Chickee! It's the rozzers!
BRAD: And as the kids take off Superman swoops in and collars them...
JONES: Officer... Superman, my name is Harry Jones.
RAVEN: SUUUURE, it is.
JONES: I own this building and I hired this boy to paint a mural on it! I
don't know why they ran like that...
BRAD: It's not like black kids have anything to fear from white cops.
SUPERMAN: Boys, the policeman was doing his job. He must investigate
possible property damage!
WALDO: So empty your pockets.
SUPERMAN: By running away, you have made yourselves LOOK guilty.
RAVEN: By being black, you have made yourselves look even MORE guilty.
SUPERMAN: Dan, here, did the right thing.
RAVEN: Suck-up!
SUPERMAN: When a policeman approaches, remain clam and cooperate. His job is
to enforce the law... which helps everybody.
BRAD: Neal Adams' job is to illustrate this propaganda, which helps his bank
balance.
NARRATOR: Published as a public service by National Periodical Publications,
Inc., in cooperation with the National Center for Juvenile Justice, the
Research Division of the National Council of Juvenile Court Justices.
WALDO: And viewers like you.
BRAD: And, after an ad for the first Spider-man/Superman team-up...
GL: er-- walk in the park with you? But, Carol, I'm the guest of honor--
I've got to speak here...
CAROL: Very well-- the moment after you finish speaking then!
NARRATOR: As the time comes for the principal speaker of the occasion...
GL: They say charity begins at home... but let us not forget, this city IS
our home...
WALDO: The power's in his ring, not his tongue.
GL(vo): Whew! Those Fan Club girls again! They're getting out of hand!
BRAD: Second appearance of the Fan Club in six pages. You don't think Broome
is laying groundwork or anything?
RAVEN: Naaaah....
GIRL1: Let us through! We want to be closer to Green Lantern!
WALDO: Just like me, they long to be, close to yoooooooou...
GIRL2: WE WANT GREEN LANTERN! WE WANT GREEN LANTERN!
BRAD: But not the Crab-Faced Guy!
GL: And so let us contribute all we can! (vo) I better take Carol for a
walk-- if only to get away from these over-enthusiastic fans of mine!
RAVEN: That's okay, you've still got your wiles!
NARRATOR: And soon after, as police hold back the eager damsels, GL and Carol
slip off...
GL: You-- er-- say there's something important on your mind, Carol? (vo)
I'll face anything but those girls!
WALDO: Even Ron Marz?
CAROL: There's not too much privacy here... but I guess it will do...
BRAD: Those two boys are too caught up in their radio-controlled airplane to
pay attention to my exposition.
GL: You're acting so serious! You know something... you're very pretty when
you're serious... but you're even more attractive when you smile! Now how about
a little smile? I mean-- (vo) I've got to keep talking-- or she'll pop the
question!
RAVEN: Some wiles he's got, boy.
CAROL: I've never seen you carry on like this, Green Lantern! You're usually
so... quiet!
BRAD: Keep talking and we might think you've got a personality.
CAROL: Are you sure you're all right?
GL: As a matter of fact, I haven't been feeling too well... probably
something I ate! Maybe I ought to--
CAROL: Ought to get married!
BRAD: D'oh!
CAROL: That's your trouble, darling... Living by yourself-- eating goodness
knows what for meals! How can you feel good? It stands to reason...
PLANE: BZZZZZZ!
GL: Excuse me, Carol, I... can hardly hear you! That noisy model airplane...
RAVEN: Those wiles of his are really -- top flight!
BRAD: UGH!
GL(vo): I've gained a moment's time!
WALDO: Give me one moment in time, when I'm facing my destiny--
GL(vo): But I've got to do something drastic or she'll come out with it
again! Wait a second-- I have an idea...
PLANE: BZZZZZZ!
NARRATOR: Secretly, the Green Gladiator prepares his ring for action...
GL(vo): I've never used my ring to create a menace! But that's what I need
now-- A Chiller-Diller Menace that I'll have to combat-- and give me a
legitimate excuse to get away from here-- and Carol--
BRAD: A super-hero getting attacked during a public appearance? Quelle
bizarre!
NARRATOR: Out from GL's side the beam shoots, unseen by his fair companion...
CAROL: I'll talk louder-- yell what I have to say, if necessary! This is
Leap Year-- AND IT'S A WOMAN'S PRIVILEGE TO--
GL: Carol! LOOK--!!
WALDO: An extra from Marvel Comics!
NARRATOR: But as Carol turns, she doesn't see a model plane swoop down and...
PLANE: THWACK!
BRAD: Aw, GL's OK, his ring protects him from harm.
CAROL: Where--? What--? Okay, I see... It!
WALDO: No, It was the Living Golem.
CAROL: Now please stop interrupting-- and let me finish what I have to say!
WALDO: (muttering) Bite my head off...
CAROL: As this is Leap Year-- Oh, never mind the buildup! I'll get right to
the point!
RAVEN: And no fifty-foot frog-face is gonna distract me, either!
CAROL: GREEN LANTERN, WILL YOU MARRY ME? (vo) There! I've said it! Now he's
got to answer-- one way or another!
WALDO: One way, or another, he's gotta answer, he's gotta answer answer
answer answer---
NARRATOR: As anxious, silent minutes pass...
CAROL: (vo) Heavens! I thought my proposal might surprise Green Lantern!
BRAD: If no one else.
CAROL(vo): But I never expected it would strike him dumb! He hasn't said a
word! (speaking) Green Lantern, stop pretending you didn't hear what I said!
You-- Oh, my gosh! He's keeled over!
BRAD: From Creature Feature to Weekend at Bernie's.
CAROL: Something's happened to Green Lantern! Help! HELP!!
WALDO: I thought you said Green Lantern couldn't be harmed.
BRAD: He can't, not until the Denny O'Neill issues. Guess Broome forgot.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the "menace" created by the green beam lives a life of
his own...
CD: Strange... I know I'm a "Chiller-Diller," but what that means...
RAVEN: The only name even lamer than "Leap Year Menace."
CD: Or what I'm supposed to do... I don't know! But this place is full of
odd-looking creatures!
NARRATOR: As "Chiller-Diller" does some sight-seeing...
CD: As soon as they see me, they run away-- as if they don't like me! Well...
if they won't like me, I won't like them!
BRAD: Aw, they like you AND your mother Phyllis.
NARRATOR: But as the slightly nearsighted invader straightens up...
CD: Ooops!
BRAD: Oh well, they were gonna put in a multiplex anyway.
BYSTANDER: Great Scott! That thing will tear the city apart! Can't anyone do
something?
RAVEN: Call for Green Lantern! No, wait...
NARRATOR: At nearby army headquarters...
GENERAL: ...And send fifteen tanks, a guided missile squadron, three
reconnaissance beams, and a bazooka battalion to sector three-- at once!
RAVEN: And get me a sweatband!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile...
CD: I don't like it here! There's too much noise in this place! I've got to
get away-- Uh!
OFFSCREEN VOICE: That creature backed up to that statue-- and demolished it!
WALDO: He's just a big, green Tea Leone!
CD: Must be some way out of this place.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Here comes the army! They'll finish that thing!
BRAD: They did so well with the Hulk.
SHELLS: BAM! BAM!
WALDO: Yes, Pebbles...?
CD: More noise? how do those little creatures stand this noise?
TANK: Our shells bounce right off it!
WALDO: Aaah, just hit 'im with a grapefruit!
NARRATOR: Then, as "Chiller-Diller" moves toward the river-docks...
CD: ULGG! Odd... I can't walk on this liquid matter!
RAVEN: If you could you'd be the Passover Menace!
BYSTANDER: It's coming out!
BRAD: ....Naaaah...
NARRATOR: After the incredible creature hurries across the bridge...
SOLDIER: General! The thing is heading for our atomic stockpile! If it gets
into that, it may blow up half the country!
RAVEN: Wouldn't THAT show the New Universe!
GENERAL: Mr. President, this is General Willis! We need reinforcements, sir!
Coast City is about to be blown off the map!
BRAD: You only missed by 34 years.
NARRATOR: At that moment, in the doctor's office where Green Lantern has been
taken...
RADIO: ...And the invulnerable creature is still going!
WALDO: And beating that stupid drum...
RADIO: The next few minutes will tell! It is too late to evacuate the city!
GL(vo): Holy Smoke! According to the descriprtion over the radio... It's the
"menace" I made with my power beam-- to disract Carol-- that's causing all
the trouble! I've got to get going-- fast!
RAVEN: And check my insurance for Super-hero Malpractice!
CAROL: Green Lantern! Are you all right? He didn't answer--!
DOCTOR: He must be all right-- look at him go!
NARRATOR: And in the very nick of time...
SOLDIER: Green Lantern saved us-- he dissolved the monster!
RAVEN: Sure, he was a power beam construct, but didn't he have a right to
live?
BRAD: You're confusing this with an Alan Moore story.
RAVEN: Never in a million years.
NARRATOR: Later, as an appreciative crowd gathers around the Emerald
Gladiator...
SOLDIER: Green Lantern-- You're a hero!!
GL(vo): I feel a little funny accepting all these congratulations.. for
destroying something that I myself created! That reminds me, I'll have to undo the
damage caused...
WALDO: A few more charity appearances ought to do it.
NARRATOR: And as the crowd drifts apart, GL finds himself confronted by
another "menace"...
CAROL: Green Lantern, you're not going to escape me any longer! I'm asking
you to marry me, do you hear me? I want you to marry me!
BRAD: Just a hopeless romantic.
RAVEN: Hopeless, anyway.
GL(vo): She's got me dead to rights! I've got to answer her! B-But-- what
will I say?
RAVEN: Wait til I go relevant, then we can live together.
FAN CLUB: Oooooh! Our hero! There he is!
GIRL1: Green Lantern, we remembered it's Leap Year! Will you marry me?
GIRL2: Marry me! Marry me!!
WALDO: With Robert Preston and Shirley Jones.
GIRL3: Marry me, Green Lantern!
NARRATOR: With a burst of iron-thewed muscles, the Green Gladiator wrests
himself free...
BRAD: With a burst of purple prose, Broome writes himself free...
GL: Sorry, girls! I-- I just can't marry you all-- So I'll marry NONE!
RAVEN: But nuns CAN'T marry -- oh, wait a minute --
CAROL: WELL!! What a way to squirm out of my proposal.
WALDO: (Yakety Sax, a la Benny Hill) Doo doo doodle doodle, doo doo doodle
doodle, doo doodle doodle doddle doo...
BRAD: So that's our tribute to John Broome. Why, Raven, you're crying!
RAVEN: (sniff) I liked Chiller-Diller! He didn't have to... diiiiiiie...
BRAD: Oh, Raven, Chiller-Diller was just a fairy tale! Monsters like that
don't exist in real life!
RAVEN: They don't?
BRAD: No.
And the roof is lifted up by a giant Mike Nelson in a Chiller-Diller suit.
Blackout.
SUPER-HEROES' WAR AGAINST THE MONSTERS from a dollar box. It had a Broome story in it. So I got together with my mechanical friends Raven.--
RAVEN: I'm bitter!
BRAD: and Waldo--
WALDO: I'm the wind, baby!
BRAD: And let's all sit back and enjoy THE LEAP YEAR MENACE.
GL: (voiceover) I created that monster myself-- with my power beam!
RAVEN: It's the Fifty-Foot Yoda from the Black Lagoon!
GL (vo): But now I've got to destroy it-- before it reaches that atomic
stockpile-- and destroys the country!
WALDO: Analysis-- Mr. Spock!
NARRATOR: What possible reason could Green Lantern have for creating a
creature that would threaten Coast City?
BRAD: He's trying to beat Mongul to the punch?
NARRATOR: For the intriguing answer to this mystery it is necessary to delve
into the dramatic-- and highly-explosive-
Gladiator and a certain lovely but determined damsel named Carol Ferris! (basso
profundo) THE LEAP YEAR MENACE!
RAVEN: Where C-3P0 finally proposes to R2-D2.
WALDO: I hate robots.
NARRATOR: In the headquarters of the Coast City Community Chest...
BRAD: I draw two cards and get an extra turn.
GL: Yes, Mrs. Cranston! I'll be glad to appear at the launching of the Coast
City Community Chest Drive this afternoon!
MRS. CRANSTON: Thank you, Green Lantern! Your presence will draw a big crowd
-- and big donations!
WALDO: And go towards my community service on that DWI.
NARRATOR: And, as the Emerald Gladiator exits from the building...
GIRL: OOOOOOO-- There he is!
GL (vo): Great Ghosts! It's the Green Lantern Fan Club! They've been
hounding me for a week-- but I've always dodged them up to now!
GIRL 1: Green Lantern! I touched him... I'm going to faint...
BRAD: Doesn't he ever wash that uniform?
GIRL 2: Sign my autograph book, please!
GIRL 3: Let go! We saw him first!
GL (vo): By the Guardians! If this keeps up I'll be torn apart!
BRAD: Boy, Jimmy Olsen's fan club never acted like this!
RAVEN: For which thank God.
NARRATOR: As GL, using his Power Ring(TM), soars away...
GIRL 4: Stop him-- someone!
GL (vo): I've got to get away! as Hal Jordan-- my alter ego-- I've got an
important appoinment with Carol Ferris in just a few minutes!
NARRATOR: Soon, at the Ferris Aircraft Company, after the escaped hero has
changed to his civilian identity...
HAL: You wanted to see me, Carol?
CAROL: Yes, Hal! But it's personal-- and has nothing to do with your duties
as a Test Pilot here...
BRAD: And has nothing to do with my legs so EYES TOPSIDE, BUSTER!
NARRATOR: A great light seems to burst inside the crack airman...
WALDO: Lantern... great light... can Broome write 'em or what?
HAL (vo): Ah! maybe she's finally realized that it's me she loves-- and not
Green Lantern! (speaking) Personal, Carol?
CAROL: Yes, Hal. Hal, I regard you as my friend -- as just about the best
friend I have --
WALDO: Uh-oh.
RAVEN: She's coming out!
BRAD: No.
RAVEN: She's really a man!
BRAD: Not until Englehart gets his hands on her.
CAROL: --And I want to get your opinion! You know, this is Leap Year... and
I was thinking, since Green Lantern seems too shy to propose to me-- why
don't I propose to him!?
HAL: Eh?
BR&W: Wah... Wah... Wah....
BRAD: Didn't expect that, in a story called "Leap Year Menace."
WALDO: Nice take, though.
CAROL: I'm going to see him at the Charity Drive this afternoon! And it may
be a perfect time! We're bound to find ourselves alone together...
BRAD: If you're together you're not alone. But you knew that.
CAROL: You don't seem very enthusiastic about my idea...
HAL: I'm NOT! I don't think you ought to marry Green Lantern, Carol! He's --
ah -- too much of a celebrity! You ought to marry somebody who's less of a
public figure! Somebody--
CAROL: Somebody like you, you mean!
BRAD: I'm just a modest and unassuming crack test pilot.
HAL: Well, that the best idea you've offered so far...
CAROL: I don't think it's any idea at all, Mr. Jordan! Forgive me for taking
up your valuable time!
HAL (vo): Carol seems determined to take advantage of Leap Year and propose
to Green Lantern! But it's as myself -- Hal Jordan -- that I want to win her!
BRAD: (Laughs) Caught in a triangle with himself! How does DC get these
fresh new ideas?
HAL(vo): Golly! What will I do if she actually proposes? GL has to show up
at that charity affair this afternoon! It can't be avoided!
WALDO: Have to give those villains a clear shot.
HAL(vo): And it will be equally hard to avoid being alone with Carol! Only
one way out of this dilemma -- I've got to use all my wiles to prevent Carol
from popping the question!
RAVEN: This cost you a dollar?
BRAD: Well, there ARE three other stories. Including one by Bob Kanigher!
RAVEN: OHHHhhhh...
NARRATOR: Later, behind locked doors in the hangar, a slightly somber
Gladiator takes his oath before the Power Lamp...
GL: In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight!
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware my power -- Green Lantern's light!
BRAD: My uniform is oh so tight.
RAVEN: Those villains keep me up at night.
WALDO: I just can't fix this overbite.
NARRATOR: And soon, at the Tavern in the Park, where the charity affair is
about to begin...
MRS. CRANSTON: Ah! Here comes Green Lantern now!
BRAD: I was going to introduce you to my husband Lamont but he seems to have
disappeared.
NARRATOR: But as a threatening shower bids to spoil the festivities.
GUEST: What a shame! We'll be rained out!
MRS. CRANSTON: Oh, Green Lantern! If only you could do something with your
ring---!
GUEST: How wonderful! Green Lantern has raised a huge Green Umbrella with
his Power Ring(TM)! It's pouring all around us... but we're dry!
WALDO: The Umbrella, Wonder of Science!
NARRATOR: Shortly...
MRS. CRANSTON: The sun's out again!
GL (vo): Here comes Carol now-- and from that determined look in her eyes, I
can see she means business!
BR&W: (Dragnet music) Bomp ba daaah-- Bomp ba da ba daaaah-- Bomp ba daaah--
Bomp ba da ba daaaah--
NARRATOR: Continued on 3rd page following.
NARRATOR: JUSTICE FOR ALL INCLUDES CHILDREN, 2!
BRAD: OK, so these two kids are spraying this brick wall...
POLICEMAN: What's going on here!
WALDO: Chickee! It's the rozzers!
BRAD: And as the kids take off Superman swoops in and collars them...
JONES: Officer... Superman, my name is Harry Jones.
RAVEN: SUUUURE, it is.
JONES: I own this building and I hired this boy to paint a mural on it! I
don't know why they ran like that...
BRAD: It's not like black kids have anything to fear from white cops.
SUPERMAN: Boys, the policeman was doing his job. He must investigate
possible property damage!
WALDO: So empty your pockets.
SUPERMAN: By running away, you have made yourselves LOOK guilty.
RAVEN: By being black, you have made yourselves look even MORE guilty.
SUPERMAN: Dan, here, did the right thing.
RAVEN: Suck-up!
SUPERMAN: When a policeman approaches, remain clam and cooperate. His job is
to enforce the law... which helps everybody.
BRAD: Neal Adams' job is to illustrate this propaganda, which helps his bank
balance.
NARRATOR: Published as a public service by National Periodical Publications,
Inc., in cooperation with the National Center for Juvenile Justice, the
Research Division of the National Council of Juvenile Court Justices.
WALDO: And viewers like you.
BRAD: And, after an ad for the first Spider-man/Superman team-up...
GL: er-- walk in the park with you? But, Carol, I'm the guest of honor--
I've got to speak here...
CAROL: Very well-- the moment after you finish speaking then!
NARRATOR: As the time comes for the principal speaker of the occasion...
GL: They say charity begins at home... but let us not forget, this city IS
our home...
WALDO: The power's in his ring, not his tongue.
GL(vo): Whew! Those Fan Club girls again! They're getting out of hand!
BRAD: Second appearance of the Fan Club in six pages. You don't think Broome
is laying groundwork or anything?
RAVEN: Naaaah....
GIRL1: Let us through! We want to be closer to Green Lantern!
WALDO: Just like me, they long to be, close to yoooooooou..
GIRL2: WE WANT GREEN LANTERN! WE WANT GREEN LANTERN!
BRAD: But not the Crab-Faced Guy!
GL: And so let us contribute all we can! (vo) I better take Carol for a
walk-- if only to get away from these over-enthusiastic fans of mine!
RAVEN: That's okay, you've still got your wiles!
NARRATOR: And soon after, as police hold back the eager damsels, GL and Carol
slip off...
GL: You-- er-- say there's something important on your mind, Carol? (vo)
I'll face anything but those girls!
WALDO: Even Ron Marz?
CAROL: There's not too much privacy here... but I guess it will do...
BRAD: Those two boys are too caught up in their radio-controlled airplane to
pay attention to my exposition.
GL: You're acting so serious! You know something... you're very pretty when
you're serious... but you're even more attractive when you smile! Now how about
a little smile? I mean-- (vo) I've got to keep talking-- or she'll pop the
question!
RAVEN: Some wiles he's got, boy.
CAROL: I've never seen you carry on like this, Green Lantern! You're usually
so... quiet!
BRAD: Keep talking and we might think you've got a personality.
CAROL: Are you sure you're all right?
GL: As a matter of fact, I haven't been feeling too well... probably
something I ate! Maybe I ought to--
CAROL: Ought to get married!
BRAD: D'oh!
CAROL: That's your trouble, darling... Living by yourself-- eating goodness
knows what for meals! How can you feel good? It stands to reason...
PLANE: BZZZZZZ!
GL: Excuse me, Carol, I... can hardly hear you! That noisy model airplane...
RAVEN: Those wiles of his are really -- top flight!
BRAD: UGH!
GL(vo): I've gained a moment's time!
WALDO: Give me one moment in time, when I'm facing my destiny--
GL(vo): But I've got to do something drastic or she'll come out with it
again! Wait a second-- I have an idea...
PLANE: BZZZZZZ!
NARRATOR: Secretly, the Green Gladiator prepares his ring for action...
GL(vo): I've never used my ring to create a menace! But that's what I need
now-- A Chiller-Diller Menace that I'll have to combat-- and give me a
legitimate excuse to get away from here-- and Carol--
BRAD: A super-hero getting attacked during a public appearance? Quelle
bizarre!
NARRATOR: Out from GL's side the beam shoots, unseen by his fair companion...
CAROL: I'll talk louder-- yell what I have to say, if necessary! This is
Leap Year-- AND IT'S A WOMAN'S PRIVILEGE TO--
GL: Carol! LOOK--!!
WALDO: An extra from Marvel Comics!
NARRATOR: But as Carol turns, she doesn't see a model plane swoop down and...
PLANE: THWACK!
BRAD: Aw, GL's OK, his ring protects him from harm.
CAROL: Where--? What--? Okay, I see... It!
WALDO: No, It was the Living Golem.
CAROL: Now please stop interrupting-
WALDO: (muttering) Bite my head off...
CAROL: As this is Leap Year-- Oh, never mind the buildup! I'll get right to
the point!
RAVEN: And no fifty-foot frog-face is gonna distract me, either!
CAROL: GREEN LANTERN, WILL YOU MARRY ME? (vo) There! I've said it! Now he's
got to answer-- one way or another!
WALDO: One way, or another, he's gotta answer, he's gotta answer answer
answer answer---
NARRATOR: As anxious, silent minutes pass...
CAROL: (vo) Heavens! I thought my proposal might surprise Green Lantern!
BRAD: If no one else.
CAROL(vo): But I never expected it would strike him dumb! He hasn't said a
word! (speaking) Green Lantern, stop pretending you didn't hear what I said!
You-- Oh, my gosh! He's keeled over!
BRAD: From Creature Feature to Weekend at Bernie's.
CAROL: Something's happened to Green Lantern! Help! HELP!!
WALDO: I thought you said Green Lantern couldn't be harmed.
BRAD: He can't, not until the Denny O'Neill issues. Guess Broome forgot.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the "menace" created by the green beam lives a life of
his own...
CD: Strange... I know I'm a "Chiller-Diller,
RAVEN: The only name even lamer than "Leap Year Menace."
CD: Or what I'm supposed to do... I don't know! But this place is full of
odd-looking creatures!
NARRATOR: As "Chiller-Diller" does some sight-seeing.
CD: As soon as they see me, they run away-- as if they don't like me! Well...
if they won't like me, I won't like them!
BRAD: Aw, they like you AND your mother Phyllis.
NARRATOR: But as the slightly nearsighted invader straightens up...
CD: Ooops!
BRAD: Oh well, they were gonna put in a multiplex anyway.
BYSTANDER: Great Scott! That thing will tear the city apart! Can't anyone do
something?
RAVEN: Call for Green Lantern! No, wait...
NARRATOR: At nearby army headquarters.
GENERAL: ...And send fifteen tanks, a guided missile squadron, three
reconnaissance beams, and a bazooka battalion to sector three-- at once!
RAVEN: And get me a sweatband!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile...
CD: I don't like it here! There's too much noise in this place! I've got to
get away-- Uh!
OFFSCREEN VOICE: That creature backed up to that statue-- and demolished it!
WALDO: He's just a big, green Tea Leone!
CD: Must be some way out of this place.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Here comes the army! They'll finish that thing!
BRAD: They did so well with the Hulk.
SHELLS: BAM! BAM!
WALDO: Yes, Pebbles...?
CD: More noise? how do those little creatures stand this noise?
TANK: Our shells bounce right off it!
WALDO: Aaah, just hit 'im with a grapefruit!
NARRATOR: Then, as "Chiller-Diller" moves toward the river-docks.
CD: ULGG! Odd... I can't walk on this liquid matter!
RAVEN: If you could you'd be the Passover Menace!
BYSTANDER: It's coming out!
BRAD: ....Naaaah..
NARRATOR: After the incredible creature hurries across the bridge...
SOLDIER: General! The thing is heading for our atomic stockpile! If it gets
into that, it may blow up half the country!
RAVEN: Wouldn't THAT show the New Universe!
GENERAL: Mr. President, this is General Willis! We need reinforcements, sir!
Coast City is about to be blown off the map!
BRAD: You only missed by 34 years.
NARRATOR: At that moment, in the doctor's office where Green Lantern has been
taken...
RADIO: ...And the invulnerable creature is still going!
WALDO: And beating that stupid drum...
RADIO: The next few minutes will tell! It is too late to evacuate the city!
GL(vo): Holy Smoke! According to the descriprtion over the radio... It's the
"menace" I made with my power beam-- to disract Carol-- that's causing all
the trouble! I've got to get going-- fast!
RAVEN: And check my insurance for Super-hero Malpractice!
CAROL: Green Lantern! Are you all right? He didn't answer--!
DOCTOR: He must be all right-- look at him go!
NARRATOR: And in the very nick of time...
SOLDIER: Green Lantern saved us-- he dissolved the monster!
RAVEN: Sure, he was a power beam construct, but didn't he have a right to
live?
BRAD: You're confusing this with an Alan Moore story.
RAVEN: Never in a million years.
NARRATOR: Later, as an appreciative crowd gathers around the Emerald
Gladiator...
SOLDIER: Green Lantern-- You're a hero!!
GL(vo): I feel a little funny accepting all these congratulations.
destroying something that I myself created! That reminds me, I'll have to undo the
damage caused...
WALDO: A few more charity appearances ought to do it.
NARRATOR: And as the crowd drifts apart, GL finds himself confronted by
another "menace"...
CAROL: Green Lantern, you're not going to escape me any longer! I'm asking
you to marry me, do you hear me? I want you to marry me!
BRAD: Just a hopeless romantic.
RAVEN: Hopeless, anyway.
GL(vo): She's got me dead to rights! I've got to answer her! B-But-- what
will I say?
RAVEN: Wait til I go relevant, then we can live together.
FAN CLUB: Oooooh! Our hero! There he is!
GIRL1: Green Lantern, we remembered it's Leap Year! Will you marry me?
GIRL2: Marry me! Marry me!!
WALDO: With Robert Preston and Shirley Jones.
GIRL3: Marry me, Green Lantern!
NARRATOR: With a burst of iron-thewed muscles, the Green Gladiator wrests
himself free...
BRAD: With a burst of purple prose, Broome writes himself free...
GL: Sorry, girls! I-- I just can't marry you all-- So I'll marry NONE!
RAVEN: But nuns CAN'T marry -- oh, wait a minute --
CAROL: WELL!! What a way to squirm out of my proposal.
WALDO: (Yakety Sax, a la Benny Hill) Doo doo doodle doodle, doo doo doodle
doodle, doo doodle doodle doddle doo...
BRAD: So that's our tribute to John Broome. Why, Raven, you're crying!
RAVEN: (sniff) I liked Chiller-Diller! He didn't have to... diiiiiiie...
BRAD: Oh, Raven, Chiller-Diller was just a fairy tale! Monsters like that
don't exist in real life!
RAVEN: They don't?
BRAD: No.
And the roof is lifted up by a giant Mike Nelson in a Chiller-Diller suit.
Blackout.
