BRAD: Haven't had much of a chance to do one of these, what with the new job and all, but it's been weighing on my mind. After Bill's review of issue #33, I thought I'd rerun this episode. Enjoy!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BRAD: Once again we open the ol' mylar and dredge up a four-color fracas. This time it's Metal Men #36, one of the Sekowsky issues. This was when they were the NEW *Hunted* Metal Men.
RAVEN: The theory being, if they were hunted, *someone* would want them.
BRAD: So join my robot buddies Raven and Waldo as we follow the Metal Men in... "The Cruel Clowns"!
TIN: I'm not b-budgin'!
IRON: Stand firm!
MERCURY: I'm not uncorking myself!
TINA: Fight!
LEAD: Never surrender!
BRAD: C'mon guys, your oil's not gonna change itself!
GOLD: Speaking for the Metal Men-- you can scramble our wires-- and tear our transistors out-- but you'll never make us perform like a bunch of crazy clowns in an empty circus! No matter who you are! Or what powers you have! Hear me! Show yourself!
RAVEN: If they tear our their transistors this will be a short circus.
BRAD: UGH!
NARRATOR: In awesome answer a huge hand flips the entire circus over-- as if it were a mere toy in a crystal globe!
TIN: W-w-we sure got a rise out of h-h-him, didn't we?
TINA: If we make him kick up a big enough storm-- we might be able to escape!
WALDO: Stuck in a snow globe! And they say the Metal Men were losers!
NARRATOR: The gigantic face of an infinitely cruel clown reveals itself in titanic rage...
BRAD: We can't GIVE away those Krusty Burgers!
CLOWN: On MY planet-- where *I* reign-- YOU are my playthings! And your sole job is to make me laugh! Or end up as discarded junk! Now-- make me laugh! Or die!
BRAD: Sooo-- this isn't how DC sees its audience, now is it?
WALDO: They should be called the Metaphor Men.
NARRATOR: As the whale-size eyes of the enormous clown glare at the tumbling Metal Men...
TINA: What can we do to make this callous creature laugh?
MERCURY: Tickle him with a third rail!
BRAD: See, this joke won't play in all parts of the country because it's a subway reference.
RAVEN: And you prefer Quizno's?
NARRATOR; Like mechanical flapjacks, the Metal Men are flipped through the air inside their circus prison...
LEAD: Maybe this "flying" act will please the big oaf!
MERCURY: And while he's laughing himself blind-- maybe we'll be able to break out of this pinball machine?
WALDO: If you can laugh yourself blind, this comic is Lasik surgery!
TINA: I'm tired of denting the roof with my head!
RAVEN: Too bad this is before "glass ceiling" became notorious.
GOLD: Maybe that's the only way out of here! Butting our heads together-- and balling our way out!
BRAD: WHAT!
RAVEN: Oh, you pottymouths!
WALDO: How many Metal Men does it take to scr--
BRAD: Watch it!
NARRATOR: Again the cruel clown thunders his sinister command...
BRAD: Bring me the head of Sideshow Bob!
CLOWN: You do not amuse me! Perform-- or perish!
GOLD: Just think... a couple of days ago we weren't being treated like mechanical mice! Remember...?
WALDO: There will come the soft rains?
NARRATOR: The Metal Men's thoughts reel back to the time they stood before the bed of their inventor, Doc Magnus, in a special chamber at Military Intelligence, together with his brother, Col. Magnus...
BRAD: Run on, you wild and crazy sentence!
COL. MAGNUS: Doc's still unconscious!
RAVEN: Why's Lead got a swelled head?
COL. MAGNUS: But I know my brother! He'll fight his way out of this coma-- that he was tumbled into by a cerebral hemorrhage! He's got to! He's the only one in the world who can adjust your responsometers! So you won't be running out of control all the time! Alarming the people! Turning them against you!
BRAD: Colonel Magnus delivers some Major Exposition.
TINA: W-we don't care what happens to us... as long as poor Doc gets well... Ohh Doc... if you would only open your eyes again--
MERCURY: Cool it, Tina!
WALDO: You're getting the glass all foggy!
NARRATOR: The Metal Men exited to the hostile stares of passerby...
RAVEN: They're hated and hunted, as soon as they step outside their front door.
PASSERBY 1: Can't trust these robots any more!
PASSERBY 2: Never know when they'll flip-- now!
GOLD: We've got to watch our step!
MERCURY: Show our good sides only-- so the people will change their minds about us!
WALDO: Of course, changing their minds means they'd start buying the book.
NARRATOR: In a nearby park...
MERCURY: Look! A kid's wrestling with the wind-- to hang onto his kite!
RAVEN: Stay away from that kite-eating tree!
GOLD: Here's our chance to perform a good deed!
IRON: Don't worry, kid! Ole IRON-HEAD'll help you! Leave the muscle work to me!
STRING: *SNAP*
IRON: Oops-- sorry-- guess I exerted too much muscle-- I snapped your string!
NARRATOR: Tina, the platinum robot, unwinds like a glittering spool...
KITE: *CRUNCH*
TINA: Ohhh-- guess I was too eager!
RAVEN: I used to dream about an eager Tina, but now--
KID: Look what you did!
TINA: I know, kid-- I know! But I'm sorry-- honest!
BRAD: They're threats to National Security! They killed a kite!
NARRATOR: As an angry crowd gathers...
KID: Ma--! Look what they did to my nice new kite! I didn't ask them to play with me! They just pushed their way in!
MOTHER: I know, honey! That's just the way robots are! Unmanageable! Can't trust them! Naturally destructive!
BRAD: Sounds fair to me.
RAVEN: HEY!
BYSTANDER 1: Beat it!
BYSTANDER 2: Don't come back!
BYSTANDER 3: You're a menace!
BYSTANDER 4: You should be destroyed!
BRAD:Is there a spin doctor in the house?
TINA: I know r-robots aren't supposed to cry...
TIN: Who's c-c-cryin'?
BRAD: And on that lachrymose note we close the first part of this adventure. What follows is an ad for Revell's Moon Walk model.
WALDO: America's space program is rapidly closing in on the big adventure:
RAVEN: Funding!
WALDO: The walk on the moon! And you can follow it, step-by-step, with Revell's new American Space Program Collector's Set.
BRAD: Just like the Space Program, it's all in pieces.
WALDO: You can build authentic models of the three big events in space... the orbit, the space walk and the moon walk.
RAVEN: Who's bad?
WALDO: The Gemini Spacecraft model includes details like a complete instrument panel. The space-walking Astronaut model is realistic down to moveable face visor. The Apollo model is almost as unbelievable as the program itself.
BRAD: These days the program isn't just unbelievable, it's mythical.
WALDO: There are five detachable, detailed sections. The Revell Space Program Collector's Set sells for under $11.00.
RAVEN: Which is still less than the Astronauts in Trouble trade.
BRAD: Back after this.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BRAD: Once again we open the ol' mylar and dredge up a four-color fracas. This time it's Metal Men #36, one of the Sekowsky issues. This was when they were the NEW *Hunted* Metal Men.
RAVEN: The theory being, if they were hunted, *someone* would want them.
BRAD: So join my robot buddies Raven and Waldo as we follow the Metal Men in... "The Cruel Clowns"!
TIN: I'm not b-budgin'!
IRON: Stand firm!
MERCURY: I'm not uncorking myself!
TINA: Fight!
LEAD: Never surrender!
BRAD: C'mon guys, your oil's not gonna change itself!
GOLD: Speaking for the Metal Men-- you can scramble our wires-- and tear our transistors out-- but you'll never make us perform like a bunch of crazy clowns in an empty circus! No matter who you are! Or what powers you have! Hear me! Show yourself!
RAVEN: If they tear our their transistors this will be a short circus.
BRAD: UGH!
NARRATOR: In awesome answer a huge hand flips the entire circus over-- as if it were a mere toy in a crystal globe!
TIN: W-w-we sure got a rise out of h-h-him, didn't we?
TINA: If we make him kick up a big enough storm-- we might be able to escape!
WALDO: Stuck in a snow globe! And they say the Metal Men were losers!
NARRATOR: The gigantic face of an infinitely cruel clown reveals itself in titanic rage...
BRAD: We can't GIVE away those Krusty Burgers!
CLOWN: On MY planet-- where *I* reign-- YOU are my playthings! And your sole job is to make me laugh! Or end up as discarded junk! Now-- make me laugh! Or die!
BRAD: Sooo-- this isn't how DC sees its audience, now is it?
WALDO: They should be called the Metaphor Men.
NARRATOR: As the whale-size eyes of the enormous clown glare at the tumbling Metal Men...
TINA: What can we do to make this callous creature laugh?
MERCURY: Tickle him with a third rail!
BRAD: See, this joke won't play in all parts of the country because it's a subway reference.
RAVEN: And you prefer Quizno's?
NARRATOR; Like mechanical flapjacks, the Metal Men are flipped through the air inside their circus prison...
LEAD: Maybe this "flying" act will please the big oaf!
MERCURY: And while he's laughing himself blind-- maybe we'll be able to break out of this pinball machine?
WALDO: If you can laugh yourself blind, this comic is Lasik surgery!
TINA: I'm tired of denting the roof with my head!
RAVEN: Too bad this is before "glass ceiling" became notorious.
GOLD: Maybe that's the only way out of here! Butting our heads together-- and balling our way out!
BRAD: WHAT!
RAVEN: Oh, you pottymouths!
WALDO: How many Metal Men does it take to scr--
BRAD: Watch it!
NARRATOR: Again the cruel clown thunders his sinister command...
BRAD: Bring me the head of Sideshow Bob!
CLOWN: You do not amuse me! Perform-- or perish!
GOLD: Just think... a couple of days ago we weren't being treated like mechanical mice! Remember...?
WALDO: There will come the soft rains?
NARRATOR: The Metal Men's thoughts reel back to the time they stood before the bed of their inventor, Doc Magnus, in a special chamber at Military Intelligence, together with his brother, Col. Magnus...
BRAD: Run on, you wild and crazy sentence!
COL. MAGNUS: Doc's still unconscious!
RAVEN: Why's Lead got a swelled head?
COL. MAGNUS: But I know my brother! He'll fight his way out of this coma-- that he was tumbled into by a cerebral hemorrhage! He's got to! He's the only one in the world who can adjust your responsometers! So you won't be running out of control all the time! Alarming the people! Turning them against you!
BRAD: Colonel Magnus delivers some Major Exposition.
TINA: W-we don't care what happens to us... as long as poor Doc gets well... Ohh Doc... if you would only open your eyes again--
MERCURY: Cool it, Tina!
WALDO: You're getting the glass all foggy!
NARRATOR: The Metal Men exited to the hostile stares of passerby...
RAVEN: They're hated and hunted, as soon as they step outside their front door.
PASSERBY 1: Can't trust these robots any more!
PASSERBY 2: Never know when they'll flip-- now!
GOLD: We've got to watch our step!
MERCURY: Show our good sides only-- so the people will change their minds about us!
WALDO: Of course, changing their minds means they'd start buying the book.
NARRATOR: In a nearby park...
MERCURY: Look! A kid's wrestling with the wind-- to hang onto his kite!
RAVEN: Stay away from that kite-eating tree!
GOLD: Here's our chance to perform a good deed!
IRON: Don't worry, kid! Ole IRON-HEAD'll help you! Leave the muscle work to me!
STRING: *SNAP*
IRON: Oops-- sorry-- guess I exerted too much muscle-- I snapped your string!
NARRATOR: Tina, the platinum robot, unwinds like a glittering spool...
KITE: *CRUNCH*
TINA: Ohhh-- guess I was too eager!
RAVEN: I used to dream about an eager Tina, but now--
KID: Look what you did!
TINA: I know, kid-- I know! But I'm sorry-- honest!
BRAD: They're threats to National Security! They killed a kite!
NARRATOR: As an angry crowd gathers...
KID: Ma--! Look what they did to my nice new kite! I didn't ask them to play with me! They just pushed their way in!
MOTHER: I know, honey! That's just the way robots are! Unmanageable! Can't trust them! Naturally destructive!
BRAD: Sounds fair to me.
RAVEN: HEY!
BYSTANDER 1: Beat it!
BYSTANDER 2: Don't come back!
BYSTANDER 3: You're a menace!
BYSTANDER 4: You should be destroyed!
BRAD:Is there a spin doctor in the house?
TINA: I know r-robots aren't supposed to cry...
TIN: Who's c-c-cryin'?
BRAD: And on that lachrymose note we close the first part of this adventure. What follows is an ad for Revell's Moon Walk model.
WALDO: America's space program is rapidly closing in on the big adventure:
RAVEN: Funding!
WALDO: The walk on the moon! And you can follow it, step-by-step, with Revell's new American Space Program Collector's Set.
BRAD: Just like the Space Program, it's all in pieces.
WALDO: You can build authentic models of the three big events in space... the orbit, the space walk and the moon walk.
RAVEN: Who's bad?
WALDO: The Gemini Spacecraft model includes details like a complete instrument panel. The space-walking Astronaut model is realistic down to moveable face visor. The Apollo model is almost as unbelievable as the program itself.
BRAD: These days the program isn't just unbelievable, it's mythical.
WALDO: There are five detachable, detailed sections. The Revell Space Program Collector's Set sells for under $11.00.
RAVEN: Which is still less than the Astronauts in Trouble trade.
BRAD: Back after this.
