Mystery Furry Theatre: Sabrina's Christmas Magic

BRAD: Long time, long time. I'm here with my robot pals Raven --

RAVEN: All I want for Christmas is to decide who lives and who dies.

BRAD: And Waldo --

WALDO: How do you giftwrap schadenfreude?

BRAD: And we're about to take on a story from Sabrina's Christmas Magic, "Animal Crackers!"

RAVEN: With Captain Spaulding?

WALDO: Groucho or Sid Haig?

SABRINA: Have you ever wondered how Christmas is celebrated in the Animal Kingdom?

WALDO: Aren't most animals pagans?

RAVEN: Bunnies worship the sun. I read it in Watership Down.

SABRINA: Hold your hats! We're going to visit some special friends!

BRAD: That's nice, visiting the challenged for the holidays.

ARCHIE: What's the matter, Jughead? You look sad.

RAVEN: So the funny-animal Archie is a lion.

BRAD: Less Animal Kingdom, more Magic Kingdom.

JUGHEAD: I've got good reason to be sad, Archie! Look where my POUCH is located!

WALDO: Isn't it female kangaroos who have the pouches?

RAVEN: He's a kangaroo? I thought he was the Purple Snit's kid brother!

BRAD: Jughead points to a pelican…

JUGHEAD: I wish I had a pouch in my mouth where it would do my some good! You know how I like to eat!

WALDO: That pelican is a lot more realistic than the Archie characters.

RAVEN: And where is this, anyway? Lions are from Africa, kangaroos are from Australia, pelicans are mostly North American.

BRAD: So this'll never make Animal Planet.

ARCHIE: Well, the pouch you've got is perfect for carrying our Christmas presents!

JUGHEAD: Aw, Christmas phooey! I don't feel like celebrating!

ARCHIE: I know what you need, Jug!

RAVEN: Three and a half hours of Christmas Specials.

ARCHIE: Two coconut floats, Pop!

POP TATE: Okay, Arch!

BRAD: And Pop Tate is an elephant.

WALDO: Many small businessmen vote Republican.

RAVEN: Bamboo walls is one thing, but giant toadstools for sitting?

POP TATE: Send down two coconuts, Dilton!

BRAD: And Dilton -- an owl with glasses and hair gel -- drops two coconuts.

RAVEN: Right on Pop's head.

WALDO: Some elephant. Knocked senseless by coconuts?

MOOSE: D-uh -- are you guys going to the Christmas party at school?

ARCHIE: As soon as we finish our sodas, Moose!

BRAD: Hey, I didn't realize this story was that old. Moose is still saying "D-uh."

RAVEN: And why is he an ape? Shouldn't he be a moose?

ARCHIE: Okay, Moose! We'll go now!

MOOSE: I'm glad I can follow you -- D-uh -- I forgot the way to school!

REGGIE: C'mon, you slow pokes! I'll race you to the party!

FX: ZIP!

JUGHEAD: That Reggie is such a show-off!

RAVEN: And tigers come from India or China.

BRAD: So Reggie should talk like Apu? Or Joe Jitsu?

WALDO: Please God no.

REGGIE: Morning, Mr. Weatherbee!

MR. WEATHERBEE: Good morning, boys!

RAVEN: So if Weatherbee's a walrus, does that make Miss Grundy the Carpenter?

WALDO: She's as skinny as Karen.

MR. WEATHERBEE: We'll start the party as soon as Ronnie arrives!

JUGHEAD: Why do we have to wait for Ronnie?

MR. WEATHERBEE: Because her father owns the jungle!

BRAD: Oh, I guess-- HUH?

DILTON: Here's Ronnie now!

BRAD: Ronnie steps out of a tortoise-limousine, with lemurs as chauffeur and footman.

RAVEN: Why is she holding a fandancer's fan behind her?

BRAD: She's supposed to be a peacock.

WALDO: Isn't the girl a peahen?

RAVEN: So Jughead is really a girl and Ronnie is really a boy.

BRAD: That explains a lot about Archie.

MR. WEATHERBEE: All right, students! We can begin! Big Ethel is in charge of the games for our Christmas party!

BRAD: A bucktoothed giraffe.

BIG ETHEL: (Giggle) Our first game (giggle) is called "Mistletoe Madness"!

FX: ZIP!

RAVEN: Well, that cleared the room -- uh, clearing.

RONNIE: I feel sorry for Big Ethel! She has to depend on mistletoe to get a kiss! I just flutter my tail and all the boys become little tigers!

BRAD: And now we're thinking about Veronica's tail. Wholesome kiddie fare.

RAVEN: Look, never mind the gender confusion and the weird geography -- why should a lion and a tiger go nuts over a bird? It's not like anything could happen!

BRAD: Funny animal comics are all about diversity.

BIG ETHEL: Boys, please! Give me a chance to show you how much fun "Mistletow Madness" can be!

RAVEN: Boy, I wish giraffes were really silent.

DILTON: This whole party is madness!

WALDO: This is a party?

DILTON: It's almost Christmas and all we're doing is playing games!

MR. WEATHERBEE: But, Dilton, we ALWAYS play games at Christmas!

RAVEN: Don't look so shocked about it…

BRAD: We have an ad for a "10-Way Hairpiece" (Only $1!) and "20 Almost-Rare Stamps from 12 Lost Nations!" (Save them NOW while they last!) And now the story resumes.

ARCHIE: That's right! Christmas is sort of a make-believe time!

WALDO: Not to most retailers…

DILTON: We've MADE Christmas a make-believe time, but it shouldn't be! Christmas should have real meaning for us!

BRAD: Cue the Harman-Ising production of "Peace On Earth"…

DILTON: Do you remember what it was like before Christmas came into the world? We were living in a jungle! Fighting all the time!

RAVEN: Well, we took it day by day…

REGGIE: It used to be the survival of the fittest!

DILTON: But the miracle of Christmas changed all that!

WALDO: Yeah, everyone knows Christians never fight!

DILTON: Because of Christmas we learned real love and respect for each other!

REGGIE: It doesn't matter if we have spots or stripes!

ARCHIE: And our color doesn't count, either!

WALDO: Aren't most of them colorblind?

DILTON: If Christmas can do so much for us, we should do more for Christmas than just play games with it!

RAVEN: Shouldn't Betty give the closing sermon?

BRAD: She should, but in this story she was a cricket, and owls and crickets, well…

ARCHIE: I get it Dilt! If we don't live by the spirit of Christmas, we'll live by the spirit of the jungle!

BRAD: And now a tableau of all the characters, hearts aloft, with some slightly more realistic versions of the ones Isaiah names:

NARRATOR: As the prophet Isaiah wrote may years ago: "The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf with the lion!"

BRAD: Well, Archie always did appreciate a good calf.

RAVEN: It's the Peaceable Kingdom!

WALDO: It's a piece o'bull, all right!

BRAD: So this story was written and drawn by Al Hartley, who did all those Spire comics like "Archie's One Way" and "Barney Bear Wakes Up!"

WALDO: In essence creating the comic-book equivalent of Pilgrim's Progress.

RAVEN: He's like a gateway drug for Jack Chick.

BRAD: Be that as it may. It's time to wish everyone Best Wishes for the Holiday Season.

WALDO: Merry Christmas! And my gift registry is at Urban Outfitters!

RAVEN: Don't send me money, gift cards are more personal!

BRAD: And to all a Good Night.